Preparing The Perfect Meal

From Bliss

I was going to continue garnishing my food

but I ran out of thyme

Rebel Insects

From OffTheMark

For Sale

George Foreman grill set and Mohammad Ali DVDs.

Both boxed.

Dangerous

From Cathy Wilcox

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Bakery

From JimBenton

A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks, "Is this gluten free?"

"I'm afraid not", the cashier replies, "it costs £2.50."

Help The Hungry

From Faceless

Mushroom Soup,

Chicken pâté,

Halloumi stuffed peppers,

Spring rolls.

And that's just four starters.

Protection Racket

From Bound and Gagged

The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

Some Days It's Just One Thing After Another

From Liniers Cartoon

What were dinosaurs called before the meteor hit?

Live-osaurs.

Flunking The Interview

From Jenns Comics

Interviewer: "What's your greatest strength?"

Me: "You tell me"

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: "Delegating?"

Me: "That's right"

Forever

From LunarBaboon

Follow Your Dreams

From Dinos and Comics

My sex dreams are so realistic . . . that I'm not even in them.

Classic Susan

From Will McPhail

As a practical joke I set up a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.

He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!

Coitus Interruptus

From Mark Lynch

I've found myself caught in a love triangle.

I like this girl, she likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

Picnic

From Monster Picnic

What did the mother Llama say to her llama children as they prepared for a picnic?

Alpaca lunch.

Life Skills

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

A Lieutenant stands on the edge of a high cliff with his troops. The lieutenant looks down and then points to a soldier.

-You there! Come here to the cliff edge, extend your right hand to the side and jump down.

The lieutenant watches as the soldier obeys his command and falls down. He commands the next soldier in line:

-You there! Come here to the edge, extend your left leg and your left arm forward and jump down.

Again, the lieutenant closely watches as the soldier falls, pauses for a moment to think and commands the next one in line.

-You there! Come here to the edge, lie down, lift your right leg up and roll down.

A General passing by notices what's going on and storms to the scene:

-Lieutenant Alexey! How many times do I have to tell you? You can't play Tetris at work.

Clear Out

From Liz Climo

An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.

She picks out one item, turns to her husband of forty years and says "Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and it still fits."

The husband replies "Yes honey, you've always liked that scarf."

Beaver Tale Tails

From Leigh Rubin

There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity.

His name is Clint; Clint EatsWood.

Interpreting Lateral Flow Tests

From xkcd

I'm glad I learned about oxbow lakes at school rather than how to complete my tax return.

It's come in really handy during this oxbow lake period.

Dog Emojis

From Speedbump

Why is it spelled: camouflage

And not:

?

Better Impulse Control

From smbc

I just bought a blindfold on impulse.

I can't see myself wearing it though.