This Year's Convention

From Moderately Confused

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.

We haven't met yet.

Making Friends 101

From Dinos and Comics

Remember, there are no strangers, only friends you haven't alienated yet.

Tracked

From OffTheMark

I asked my smart phone what to do when I feel sleepy in the middle of the day.

It turns out there's a nap for that!

Profile

From Pardon My Planet

I wondered why I was banned from dating sites for paying with Monopoly money.

It turns out that it's not legal Tinder.

Revolution

From Bill Boles

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I need backup here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet!"

Helper Dog

From Bliss

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today.

She set off the neighbour's smoke alarm.

Dog Date

From War and Peas

[sign outside butcher shop]: 'POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US'

Me: "Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?"

Manboy

From Bizarro

I don't drink cow's milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However, I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

Favourite

From LunarBaboon

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Full Mailbox

From OffTheMark

Penne For Your Thoughts

My mom told me I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Menu Choice Considerations

From JimBenton

Date: "You seem close to your mum"

Me: "I am"

Mum: "It is a small table for three"

Wild Things

From Speedbump

I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus.

The following day, I lost my job as a driver.

Life is cruel.

Feline Rapunzel

From OffTheMark

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

 

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

 

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

 

And so, they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Forty Day Provisions

From The Jenkins

What do you call a distant sponge?

A loofah.

Growing Up

From Reality Check

When I was growing up there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

Non-Stick Pan

From The Argyle Sweater

Welcome back to Invisibility Class.

It's pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Non-Stick Pan

From Andertoons

From Wrong Hands

Never let it be said that I censor people.

Cheep Talk

From Bird and Moon

"My wife's gone to the West Indies to watch a comedian"

"Jimmy Carr?"

"No, Trinidad"

Spider Problems

From OffTheMark

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Pioneer

From Junk Drawer

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

House On Fire

From B Kliban

Top Tip:

To pay a homeopath, soak a fiver in a bucket of water and pay with a vial of that water containing a memory of money.

Unlocked

From Strange Brew

My mate David was a victim of ID theft.

Now we just call him Dav.