Cat Burglar

From Bliss

My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cat's birthday party on Saturday.

Is she crazy?

She knows my dog is getting married that day!

Food Delivery

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work.

But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Happy Encounter

From The Argyle Sweater

Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman's family reunion?

Because it was a Wayne-y day.

Unexpected Benefit

From Looks Good On Paper

Just got a new job collecting litter.

When I asked about training, they said "You'll pick it up as you go along. "

What Red Wine Tastes Like

From Truth Facts

A bloke got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend," she replied, "because guys like you always seem to have girlfriends in my experience?"

"No, sadly not," he assured her. "We broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that," she said." Go on then, I'll have a white wine, please."

Well, after a few more drinks and a bit of a kiss and a cuddle, they headed off back to her place and made mad, passionate love for the next few hours.

Then, while he was putting his clothes back on, she said, "You're good looking, you seem to be a genuinely nice guy, and you're absolutely amazing in bed. So can I ask you why on earth you split up with your girlfriend?

"He took a deep breath and said, "My wife found out about her."

Surprise Results

From Speedbump

I said to my wife the other day, "When I die dear, I'm going to leave everything to you."

She said, "You already do, you lazy sod!"

Use The Right Product For The Job

From Joseph Nowak

I'm convinced that my wife is sabotaging my weapons collection with glue.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Saftey Feature

From Mark Lynch

Why are airbags so expensive?

Because of inflation.

When You Assume

From Monster Picnic

If shoelaces always come undone and headphones always tangle, why don't we use headphones for shoelaces and shoelaces for headphone wire?

Inside Moles

From Loose Parts

I'm tired of people complaining about £6 beers, £8 parking and £10 cover charge.

If you don't like the prices, stop coming to my house.

When Nature Calls

From Loading Artist

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking.

How inconsiderate is that?

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich!

Stressful Activity

From Faceless

My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her...

She's beginning to sound just like my wife!

Ball Boy Strike

From The Jenkins

A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

Satanic Tennis

From Rhymes With Orange

TOP TIP: Pretend you're a professional tennis player by asking your greengrocer for three apples and then rolling one back to him.