Doing My Best

From Dinos and Comics

How are unicorns fake but giraffes are real?

What's more believable, a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40 foot neck?

First And Foremost A Gentleman

From Wumo

Ever since I became an archaeologist . . .

. . . my career has been in ruins.

How To Have A Perfect Evening

From Bird and Moon

Do you hate it when people answer their own questions?

I do.

Interrupted Journey

From Speedbump

Bird Translator

From OffTheMark

I've developed a rash on my upper leg, and every time I scratch it, I hear music…

Doctor says it's spotty thigh!

D-ogling and Battraction

From The Argyle Sweater

From The Argyle Sweater

We took part in a trivia quiz last night.

We had to name three songs by Meatloaf.

We got Bat Out of Hell, and You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth, but couldn't for the life of us think of another one.

Oh well, I suppose two out of three ain't bad.

Fashion Faux Pas

From Loose Parts

From Loose Parts

I love the way greeting cards shops cover the whole range of human emotion, from extreme happiness all the way to 'blank inside'.

Jackson Pollack - Police Sketch Artist

From Bliss

If a picture really does speak a thousand words . . .

I'm guessing it's a picture of my mother telling me who she briefly bumped into whilst she was shopping.

New Management

From Andertoons

I didn't manage to get into the College of Hypnotism because . . .

. . . I failed the entrance exam.

Goldilocks Campfire Zone

From xkcd

There was a fire drill at IKEA today…

We all assembled in the car park!

Animal Pals

From smbc

We each have only two or three minutes left to live.

Fortunately taking a breath resets the clock.

Small Safari

From Junk Drawer

I popped into a department store yesterday and I learned that make-up assistants do not like it when you climb up on the stool and ask for a tiger.

Socialising

From Reality Check

Son: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

Me: "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

Son: "But dad, I only see two."

Habitual Criminal

From Rhymes With Orange

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Lest We Forget

Sixteen years old when I went to the war,

To fight for a land fit for heroes,

God on my side, and a gun in my hand,

Chasing my days dawn to zero,

And I marched and I fought and I bled and I died,

And I never did get any older,

But I knew at the time that a year in the line,

Was a long enough life for a soldier.

 

We all volunteered, and we wrote dawn our names,

And we added two years to our ages,

Eager for life and ahead of the game,

Ready for history's pages,

And we brawled and we fought and we whored 'til we stood,

Ten thousand shoulder to shoulder,

A thirst for the Hun, we were food far the gun,

And that's what you are when you're soldiers.

 

I heard my friend cry, and he sank to his knees,

Coughing blood as he screamed for his mother,

And I fell by his side, and that's how we died,

Clinging like kids to each other,

And I lay in the mud and the guts and the blood,

And I wept as his body grew colder,

And I called for my mother and she never came,

Though it wasn't my fault and I wasn't to blame,

The day not half over and ten thousand slain,

And now there's nobody remembers our names,

And that's how it is for a soldier.

Jenny McPeterson and Tom

From Dustinteractive

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet!

World Famous Lingerie Model?

From JimBenton

So, here's some information you might not know.

Alan Price, the musician, is heavier than Vincent Price, the actor.

Whilst Vincent Price is heavier than Katie Price, the model.

And do you know how I know this?

I looked it up on a price comparison website.

Lost Lenses

From The Jenkins

To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I've got contacts.

Miss-ile

From Cyanide & Happiness

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from London and then find it was made in China.

Things That Don't Turn Out Great In Photos

From Adrienne Hedger

My son is taking part in a social experiment.

He has to wear a Just Stop Oil t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far he's been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside. 

Coffee or Tea?

There are funny noises coming from my teapot.

It sounds like thunder and lightning to me.

I think it must be a storm brewing!

Course Correction

From James Breakwell

Top Tip:

Prepare your kids for office life by making them buy their own birthday cake.

Missing Chocolate

From Jonesy

"My mate has a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe."

"The purple one?"

"Yes, that's him."