Levitate

From Liniers Cartoon

I took a levitation class last year.

I passed the first stage with flying colours, but then dropped out.

Catty Christmas

From OffTheMark

I was given an invisibility suit for Christmas.

I can't see myself wearing it though.

Presents

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the perfume's creator.

Ladies Night

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

Don't forget to buy enough food for 27 days today as the shops will be shut for 48 hours over Christmas.

Hang In There Fellas, Not Long Now

On Christmas Eve last year I told my wife I was popping to the shops.

She said, "While you're there, can you get some fairy liquid, detergent and some dishwasher tablets.

I said, "Can't you wait till tomorrow when you open your presents?"

Christmas Tree-t

From Buni Comic

'Tis the season where we say 'tis instead of it's.

Wrapping Paper

From xkcd

I've decided to form a choir for this Christmas.

So far, it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

If You Liked These . . .

From Reality Check

It's officially the season where you've got to ask your mum whether you're allowed to eat food or if it's for Christmas.

Cats Putting Up The Christmas Tree

From Break of Day

Santa played a round of golf this morning to help him relax before his big day and he hit a birdie.

It was a partridge on a par 3.

Well Chosen Present

From Bliss

Does anyone know where the Tesco staff Christmas party is being held this year?

I've been using the self-checkout all year so I figured that I'd go along.

Unwelcome Gift

From OffTheMark

I got a Travelodge advent calendar this year.

All the chocolate is still in it though as you can't get the windows open.

Flying Reindeer

From Safely Endangered

I got a Microsoft advent calendar this year.

If you open too many windows at once they all close again for no reason whatsoever.

Volunteer?

From Bizarro

I got a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar this year.

Behind every door is someone telling you to go away and leave them alone.

Snowman Clothing

From Loose Parts

I got home today and all the doors were wide open and everything was gone.

What sort of person does a thing like that to someone else's advent calendar?

Dreams Of Flying

From Remi Lascault

I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now he's got a butterfly cake.

Department Of Redundancy

From Loose Parts

Wow, that was quite a windy weekend we've just had.

In fact, the winds were so strong that my wheelie bin is on a speed awareness course next week!

Marriage Counselling

From Mark Lynch

A man and his wife were out on the golf course.

They've just played the first hole and are walking to the second tee when his wife is hit on the head by a stray golf ball and is knocked unconscious.

The husband panics and rushes into the clubhouse shouting, "Is there a doctor in the house? My wife's been knocked unconscious by a golf ball."

A chap at the bar pipes up, "I'm a doctor. Where has she been hit?"

The husband says, "In between the first and second holes."

"Blimey," says the doctor, "There won't be much room for a plaster."

Negative Comments

From JimBenton

I blocked the idiot who kept correcting my grammar.

It fielded so good.

James T Kirk's Guide To The Internet

I've just found out that my wife has a Tinder profile.

I am incensed by her deception.

She is absolutely not "adventurous", and "fun to be around".

A Christmas Wish

Picking Up Birds

From Andertoons

I chatted up a gypsy last night.

She asked me to go back to her place for a good time.

She wasn't kidding.

I went on the dodgems, the waltzers and the ghost train, and I returned home with a goldfish.

Do You Like Me?

From ExtraFabulousComics

I told my hot colleague how I felt.

Turns out, she felt the same way.

So, I turned on the air conditioning.

The Story Of My Life

From Loading Artist

Does anyone remember the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?

Spider Vision

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

It's been three months since I sent my hearing aid away for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

Wise Dog

From Half-Full

I used to find it annoying enough when I got my signature wrong.

But now, thanks to my new iPhone, I sometimes get my face wrong too.

Sunnydale Nudist Camp

From Shoe

When I pulled back my curtains this morning, I thought I saw David Jason lying on my lawn.

After a closer inspection I realised that it was just a touch of frost!

The Man With The Flame Retardant Underpants

From The Argyle Sweater

Ok so I am really worried now.

I just showed my GP the rash on my genitals and he seemed pretty uncomfortable like he didn't want to touch it?

He just said make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and walked off with his kids and shopping trolley.

Establishing Common Ground

From studio_stoutpoep

My kids have been on ebay all day.

Still no takers; I might have to lower the price!

Shakespeare Was Really Ahead Of His Time

I went to PC World this morning.

Blimey, you've got to be careful what you say in there.

Organic

From OffTheMark

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

(t)Uber Travel

From Reality Check

I passed my driving test even though I kept forgetting to use my rear view mirror and I haven't looked back since.

Gotto Do The Admin

From Cyanide & Happiness

I'm not bothered that it takes so long to get an appointment to see my doctor.

Because, it gives me more time to save up for the prescription.

Providers

From Strange Brew

I couldn't find any Oxo cubes in the supermarket today.

They must be out of stock.

Tried and Tested

From Speedbump

The Day My Dog Spontaneously Combusted

 

there he was –

chasing sticks,

doing tricks,

and all that stuff

 

next minute, woof

Brian Bilston

Gift

From GoodBearComics

My girlfriend isn't talking to me.

She said I ruined her 30th birthday.

I'm not sure how.

I didn't even know it was her birthday.

Nesting Season

From Leigh Rubin

Where do you look if you want to find a peacock?

Between the peanuts.

How To Cheer Up

From War and Peas

The man who discovered gluten intolerance has died.

The family has requested no flours at the funeral.

Skills

From LunarBaboon

The wife's hair salon raised its prices and now she can either afford a haircut or a recolour, but not both.

Every visit is a do-or-dye situation.

Pet Pranks

From Bliss

I managed to get all my Christmas shopping done this morning.

I hope that everyone likes Halloween costumes.

Eating For Two

From Twonk Comics

I got myself a vegetable patch.

It's going really well and now I've completely given up eating vegetables.  

Pumpkin Piercings

From Buni Comic

I can't believe that I nearly forgot about All Saints' Day.

Never ever have I ever felt so low.

An AI Halloween

From Wrong Hands

I'm not going to be buying any apples this Hallowe'en.

That should save me a bob or two.

A Kiss From A Fair Maiden

From Tim Rickard

After kissing a girl on her sofa for a while she said, "let's take this upstairs".

"Okay", I said, "you grab one end and I'll grab the other".

Flow

From Buni Comic

I recently bought a toilet brush.

To cut a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper!

What Time Is It?

From Adrienne Hedger

I can't be bothered with all the palaver of altering all the clocks in my house.

So, I've decided to just watch ITV+1 for the next 5 months.

Sublet

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I saw two black birds in my garden this morning.

After watching them for a while I realised that they were stuck together.

It turns out, they were Velcrows!

Holiday Snaps

From Truth Facts

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

How To Change The Bed

From Lucas Turn Bloom

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I shall make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg me to stop.

When I am finished you will be weak for days.

Sincerely, the flu.

Single Blind

From Pardon My Planet

Doctor: "Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic."

Me: "But my name isn't David?"

Doctor: "I know. I'm David!"

The Nicholas Cage Years

John Travolta and Nicolas Cage walk into a bar...

The barman says, "Why the wrong face?"