Dung Pile Talk

From Joseph Nowak

Our budgerigar got out of its cage a couple of months ago and had sex with our dog.

If anyone is interested, we have a basket of puppies going cheep.

Airport Lounges Are More Comfortable Than Planes

From The Jenkins

I went to buy an aeroplane today.

The sales assistant asked me if I wanted to keep the hangar!

Volunteer

From Dan Misdea

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat.

Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered.

After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!

There wasn't a hare on his head.

Colour Range

From World of Engineering

What colour is the wind?

Blew

Ghosted

From Dinos and Comics

And ghosting isn't the only confusing term in English; for example:

Hyphenated

Non-hyphenated.

Ting

From Anjali Srivastava

Looking very pleased with himself my 7 year old nephew showed me the 'telephone' he had just made from a piece of string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Daddy's Home

From Bizarro

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed.

Oh, wait . . . he does!

Promotion?

From Bliss

I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work.

Thankfully I was at work!

Coupons

From Faceless

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

Psychological House Building

From smbc

Ancient Egyptians were great builders.

But only up to a point.

Ex-pertees

From Loose Parts

The man who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at his funeral.

The Right Man For The Job

From Speedbump

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...

I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities!

Old School Fun

From Steve Nelson

I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then, try!"

After about thirty seconds of fondling, she lost patience and demanded, "Come on, what day was I born?"

"Yesterday!" I replied.

Monopoly 2024 Edition

From Private Eye

Last week I walked through the street, in one of my old neighbourhoods, where the houses are numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down Memory Lane.

Symbolism

From Telepathic Alien

I have a bag with a wooden crucifix, a small Buddha statue, and a copy of the Quran inside.

Is this sacrilegious?

Never Forget

From Charlie Hankin

My wife never forgets anything I say that upsets her.

Over five years ago I mentioned in passing that she was getting fat, and she still remembers it to this day.

She's like an elephant.

Go Around The Table

From Dilbert

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

Thirsty

From Dogs on the 4th

I used to be an eight pints a night guy until my doctor told me I had to cut it down by half.

So now I'm a seven and a half pints a night!

Bedsocks

From It's Just Reese

Me: "I'm full of lust but I can't perform in bed"

Doctor: "Do you struggle with the booze?"

Me: *looks at wife* "The booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic"

Deal With The Devil

From New Scientist

There are two typos of people in this world,

those who notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

Search

I had an idea for a film plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken.

 

I then had another idea for a film where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Roll Away The Stone

From Reality Check

Why did Jesus move to China after his resurrection?

Because it was easter.