I came home and the wife said, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
I said, "You've had your hair done,"
"No", she replied.
I said, "A new dress?"
"No", she replied.
"You've done your makeup then."
"No", she replied.
I said, "I give up."
She said, "I'm wearing a gas mask!"
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
I saw a sign in a restaurant.
"Chicken Dinner: £1.50"
I went in and ordered one.
The waiter brought me a plate of bird seed.
Dear Marje
Q. My child had decided not to eat meat. What can I replace it with?
A. A dog. Dogs love meat.
Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.
"Because I pissed in its ear & it didn't move" says Billy.
"You did what!?" screams the teacher.
"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move."
The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why."
I would have liked to make that diabetes joke less harsh.
But it didn't seem appropriate to sugarcoat it.
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.
A man is on holiday in the Maldives when his diving instructor asks him, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?"
"Because, the man replies, "if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat".
If snails are so slow, why don't we ever see them coming?
It's just boom, there's another snail.
Top Tip
If all the toilets in your house are being used and you're desperate for one to be free . . .
. . . try turning off the wifi
THE JOY OF FROGS
Frogs need kisses like anyone else
Not all of them want to become handsome princes
some prefer a more pond-based lifestyle
What if you turn into a handsome prince and the princess really prefers frogs?
What if you're not that handsome a prince?
Maybe you're more handsome a frog?
Let's face it, chances are if you can get kissed fairly regularly by a princess and remain a frog you've got it made
If she gives you tongues then go for it
Yesterday it was so cold that I took my kitten into my bed with me.
The poor thing was frozen.
I thought I'd thaw a putty-tat!
