Detour

From Bliss

Travel Update:

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the motorway.

Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers!

Lest We Forget

From Rhymes With Orange

The man who discovered the wind chill factor was buried yesterday.

He was 82, but felt like 63!

Old Tattoos

 From Bizarro

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Follow Your Dreams

From Dinos and Comics

Wow! What a session that was in the bedroom.

I must have burnt off an incredible number of calories.

I hate putting the duvet cover on.

Brexit

From Jonesy

How much space did Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

Snail Mailman

From Loading Artist

I've been waiting almost 6 weeks for the glue I ordered from Amazon to arrive.

I think it must have got stuck in the post!

Bear Trap

From Loose Parts

I've ordered some German food over the internet.

The saurkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

A Life With Porpoise

From Speedbump

I've just bought some Dorito swimming trunks.

I'm going for a quick dip later.

Office Cat

From Scribbly G

My boss collared me at work this morning.

He said, "One of your team has complained about you. She says you never listen to her and you treat her like a sex object."

I replied, "I bet that I know who that was."

"Go on then" he challenged, "Who?"

I said, "I don't know her name, but it's the one with the short skirt and the big tits!"

Cute

From Liz Climo

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

Mixed Parent

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

How does a male seahorse give birth?

with a Sea-section.

New Home

From Buni Comic

What do you call a bird at the North Pole?

A Brrrrrrrrd.

Meeting End

From Dilbert

I asked the girl in B&Q, "What's best for greasy ovens?"

She replied, "Ammonia cleaner".

I said, "Sorry, I thought you worked here".

Creative

From LunarBaboon

My internet was down yesterday, so I chatted with my wife for a bit.

I was amazed to hear that she doesn't work at Woolworths anymore.

Layoffs

From Rose Comics

Working at a Job Centre must be a tense job . . .

. . . knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

User Friendly Keyboard

From OffTheMark  

I can't believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting enough shifts in.

Boarding Privileges

From The Jenkins

The longest drum solo ever was 11 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the little brat sitting behind me on flight TG811 from Heathrow to Bangkok.

Where To Go For Sheep Videos

From Mark Lynch

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over.

He grabbed a bucket so that he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Seeing The Light

From Joseph Nowak

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.