New Tricks

From Speedbump

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Tube.

It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting.

Catfish in the Cradle by Herring Chapin

From The Argyle Sweater

I just bought a sweet car online that was previously owned by Neil Diamond.

Coming Clean

From JimBenton

How come fish smell?

They spend their whole lives taking a bath.

Cat Party

From OffTheMark

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box.

It's a gift.

Beware Bugs Bearing Gifts

From Bizarro

I accidentally sent a picture of me naked to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

The Times They Are A Changing

From New Tricks by ES Glenn

Me: "Bob, it's pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin'"

Bob Dylan: ?

Me: "Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?"

*David Bowie stands up*

Me: "Not you"

Diving Board Snails

From Mike Seddon Cartoons

I told my son not to use that 12 inch cotton bud I had left in the bathroom, but did he listen?

In one ear and out of the other!

Research

From AThirdThing

My mate said "I like your car".

I said "It's not very practical now we've got a baby".

He said "How about I buy it from you?".

I said "Yeah, go on then. Three grand?"

He said "You've got yourself a deal".

I said "Nice one, you're going to make a brilliant dad".

The Hunt

From Leigh Rubin

What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa?

The Polar bear.

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 5

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 4

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 3

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 2

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 1

From War and Peas

New Killer On The Block

From Looks Good On Paper

I watched the Bad Habits final at the Olympics earlier today.

It was nail-biting!

Party Pooper

From Mark Lynch

I've decided to call everyone Dave.

Just to see if it'll trigger a reaction.

Belated Confession

From Loose Parts

One time I made eye contact with a beautiful woman on the train and I'll never forget what she said.

She said 'Stop touching my eye'.

Virtual Spy

From Reality Check

Our WiFi went down last night and all the kids came running out of their rooms.

Blimey, they haven't half grown!

Imposter

From Bliss

Q: What's the friendliest animal in the sea?

A: A cuddle-fish.

At The End Of The Penguin Party

From Rhymes With Orange

My husband is going to a fancy dress party tonight.

For some reason he's decided to go as a Rastafarian and I'm doing his hair.

I'm dreading it.