They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin
I just found out that my wife has a Tinder profile and I'm furious.
She is absolutely not "adventurous", and "fun to be around"!
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie.
I just placed an order at my local Chinese takeaway.
I'm going to try the sweet and sour badger with the special fried badger cubs.
It's a sett meal for one.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
Jane ate her friend's colon.
I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin . . .
. . . but I can't remember whether I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.
There's one kind of people in this world.
Those who know about Schrödinger, and those who don't.
I told the wife that I was planning on opening a theatre.
She looked astonished and said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well, you can audition, but I'm not promising anything."
To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.
That's the bear minimum.
They say that time is a great healer.
Which would explain why doctor's surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment!
My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.
I couldn't believe it today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.
