An AI Halloween

From Wrong Hands

I'm not going to be buying any apples this Hallowe'en.

That should save me a bob or two.

A Kiss From A Fair Maiden

From Tim Rickard

After kissing a girl on her sofa for a while she said, "let's take this upstairs".

"Okay", I said, "you grab one end and I'll grab the other".

Flow

From Buni Comic

I recently bought a toilet brush.

To cut a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper!

What Time Is It?

From Adrienne Hedger

I can't be bothered with all the palaver of altering all the clocks in my house.

So, I've decided to just watch ITV+1 for the next 5 months.

Sublet

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I saw two black birds in my garden this morning.

After watching them for a while I realised that they were stuck together.

It turns out, they were Velcrows!

Holiday Snaps

From Truth Facts

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

How To Change The Bed

From Lucas Turn Bloom

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I shall make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg me to stop.

When I am finished you will be weak for days.

Sincerely, the flu.

Single Blind

From Pardon My Planet

Doctor: "Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic."

Me: "But my name isn't David?"

Doctor: "I know. I'm David!"

The Nicholas Cage Years

John Travolta and Nicolas Cage walk into a bar...

The barman says, "Why the wrong face?"

Tough Day For The Dung Beetle

From Andertoons

Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations?

They can cube the number 2.

He Could Have Ordered String

From OffTheMark

I ordered a mail-order bride.

Unfortunately, I was out when she was delivered.

So, now she's married to my neighbour.

Bad Neighbours

From Loose Parts

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

Assteroid

From Looks Good On Paper

A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

Smart Toaster

From Mark Lynch

I bought myself a new smart TV.

Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother.

It will only let me watch The Open University and Brian Cox documentaries.

Parasite

From After Death Comics

"Welcome to the 41st Annual meeting of Parasites Club."

"I'm Andrew Smith, and I'll be your host for the day."

No Means No

From Mark Lynch

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

The Duel

From Liniers Cartoon

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

Instant On Demand TV

From Moderately Confused

I noticed that on my tv remote control there was a button labelled "Cinema Surround Sound".

I pressed it.

All of a sudden, a voice came from behind me saying, "Move your head, I can't see."

Computer Science Stats

From smbc

I'm attending my first class in binary later today, 'Binary 101'.

Which means I've missed the first four lessons.

Mealtime Manners

From Speedbump

My family and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead!

Penguin Problems

From Rhymes With Orange

When we visited the Eiffel Tower my twin brother walked up the stairs, but I took the lift.

I guess we are raised differently.

Performance Anxiety

From Bliss

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

80s Party

From The Argyle Sweater

I met a guy in a bar who was telling me he was a huge star in the 80s.

I didn't believe him, but he was adamant.