Assteroid

From Looks Good On Paper

A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

Smart Toaster

From Mark Lynch

I bought myself a new smart TV.

Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother.

It will only let me watch The Open University and Brian Cox documentaries.

Parasite

From After Death Comics

"Welcome to the 41st Annual meeting of Parasites Club."

"I'm Andrew Smith, and I'll be your host for the day."

No Means No

From Mark Lynch

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

The Duel

From Liniers Cartoon

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

Instant On Demand TV

From Moderately Confused

I noticed that on my tv remote control there was a button labelled "Cinema Surround Sound".

I pressed it.

All of a sudden, a voice came from behind me saying, "Move your head, I can't see."

Computer Science Stats

From smbc

I'm attending my first class in binary later today, 'Binary 101'.

Which means I've missed the first four lessons.

Mealtime Manners

From Speedbump

My family and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead!

Penguin Problems

From Rhymes With Orange

When we visited the Eiffel Tower my twin brother walked up the stairs, but I took the lift.

I guess we are raised differently.

Performance Anxiety

From Bliss

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

80s Party

From The Argyle Sweater

I met a guy in a bar who was telling me he was a huge star in the 80s.

I didn't believe him, but he was adamant.