Picking Up Birds

From Andertoons

I chatted up a gypsy last night.

She asked me to go back to her place for a good time.

She wasn't kidding.

I went on the dodgems, the waltzers and the ghost train, and I returned home with a goldfish.

Do You Like Me?

From ExtraFabulousComics

I told my hot colleague how I felt.

Turns out, she felt the same way.

So, I turned on the air conditioning.

The Story Of My Life

From Loading Artist

Does anyone remember the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?

Spider Vision

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

It's been three months since I sent my hearing aid away for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

Wise Dog

From Half-Full

I used to find it annoying enough when I got my signature wrong.

But now, thanks to my new iPhone, I sometimes get my face wrong too.

Sunnydale Nudist Camp

From Shoe

When I pulled back my curtains this morning, I thought I saw David Jason lying on my lawn.

After a closer inspection I realised that it was just a touch of frost!

The Man With The Flame Retardant Underpants

From The Argyle Sweater

Ok so I am really worried now.

I just showed my GP the rash on my genitals and he seemed pretty uncomfortable like he didn't want to touch it?

He just said make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and walked off with his kids and shopping trolley.

Establishing Common Ground

From studio_stoutpoep

My kids have been on ebay all day.

Still no takers; I might have to lower the price!

Shakespeare Was Really Ahead Of His Time

I went to PC World this morning.

Blimey, you've got to be careful what you say in there.

Organic

From OffTheMark

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

(t)Uber Travel

From Reality Check

I passed my driving test even though I kept forgetting to use my rear view mirror and I haven't looked back since.

Gotto Do The Admin

From Cyanide & Happiness

I'm not bothered that it takes so long to get an appointment to see my doctor.

Because, it gives me more time to save up for the prescription.

Providers

From Strange Brew

I couldn't find any Oxo cubes in the supermarket today.

They must be out of stock.

Tried and Tested

From Speedbump

The Day My Dog Spontaneously Combusted

 

there he was –

chasing sticks,

doing tricks,

and all that stuff

 

next minute, woof

Brian Bilston

Gift

From GoodBearComics

My girlfriend isn't talking to me.

She said I ruined her 30th birthday.

I'm not sure how.

I didn't even know it was her birthday.

Nesting Season

From Leigh Rubin

Where do you look if you want to find a peacock?

Between the peanuts.

How To Cheer Up

From War and Peas

The man who discovered gluten intolerance has died.

The family has requested no flours at the funeral.

Skills

From LunarBaboon

The wife's hair salon raised its prices and now she can either afford a haircut or a recolour, but not both.

Every visit is a do-or-dye situation.

Pet Pranks

From Bliss

I managed to get all my Christmas shopping done this morning.

I hope that everyone likes Halloween costumes.

Eating For Two

From Twonk Comics

I got myself a vegetable patch.

It's going really well and now I've completely given up eating vegetables.  

Pumpkin Piercings

From Buni Comic

I can't believe that I nearly forgot about All Saints' Day.

Never ever have I ever felt so low.