Monday, 31 December 2012
Friday, 28 December 2012
Fifty Shades Of Grey - Pensioners' Version
The heat from the fire was comforting as the three electric bars glowed brightly in their metal cage. Nora peeked across the room over the rim of her Reader's Digest.
Gerald was snoring lightly, with his half-moon spectacles balanced on the end of his nose, a thin ribbon of drool sliding down his chin onto the edge of his striped pyjamas.
His half-read newspaper had fallen to the floor, and the cat had curled up on top of the unfinished cricket scores.
She closed her book, turning over the corner of the page she had been reading so as not to lose the article on herbaceous borders, and placed it down next to her half –drunk Horlicks.
Nora slid out of her chair, and grabbed the armrest. Carefully kicking off her sheepskin slippers and, sliding her wheeled table out of the way, she hitched up her velvet dressing gown and padded towards him.
She slid her hand under his pyjama top, rubbing his arm gently. He smacked his lips together, as though he could taste the cod in parsley sauce they had for supper.
His eyes flickered open and he squinted at the light and the looming shadow in front of him. Gerald could see she wanted him to follow her.
He took off his glasses and placed them on the coffee table as he rose out of his chair, his knees and back cracking as he straightened up.
She reached forward and grabbed the long-shaft of his walking stick, gnarled and rough, and placed it in his hand.
Nora began to negotiate the stairs, gripping the banister, the light from the landing highlighting grey roots in her blue rinse.
Gerald could hardly wait to get to bed; he settled onto the green padded cushion of his Stannah stair lift and flicked the button, slowly ascending towards her waddling behind as she stumbled up the last two steps.
Nora padded into the bathroom as Gerald sank down on the edge of the double divan.
She returned after a few moments, passing Gerald a cold and cloudy glass of tap water into which he dropped his teeth with a quiet splash.
She placed her own glass onto the bedside table and removed her top denture, dropping it into the glass and adding the cleaning tablet with a plop and a fizz.
Gerald had already slid under the 15-tog duvet and was smoothing out the wrinkles on his V-pillow.
Nora slipped her shoulders out of her gown and placed it next to the commode, then slid under the paisley polyester, her hand brushing Gerald’s as she fumbled for the TV remote.
Gerald gripped the handrail as he slid open the drawer under the dimly lit touch lamp and pulled out a blister pack of Viagra, his face falling as he realised it was empty.
He could’ve sworn there were a couple left.
Nora smiled to herself as she pressed the remote and the TV flickered into life on the opening credits of Question Time.
She sank back into the memory foam pillow and her eyes glinted happily knowing that Gerald would not be able to get another doctor’s appointment until late next week and that the little blue pills dissolving in the U-bend of the toilet would be completely gone by the morning.
Gerald was snoring lightly, with his half-moon spectacles balanced on the end of his nose, a thin ribbon of drool sliding down his chin onto the edge of his striped pyjamas.
His half-read newspaper had fallen to the floor, and the cat had curled up on top of the unfinished cricket scores.
She closed her book, turning over the corner of the page she had been reading so as not to lose the article on herbaceous borders, and placed it down next to her half –drunk Horlicks.
Nora slid out of her chair, and grabbed the armrest. Carefully kicking off her sheepskin slippers and, sliding her wheeled table out of the way, she hitched up her velvet dressing gown and padded towards him.
She slid her hand under his pyjama top, rubbing his arm gently. He smacked his lips together, as though he could taste the cod in parsley sauce they had for supper.
His eyes flickered open and he squinted at the light and the looming shadow in front of him. Gerald could see she wanted him to follow her.
He took off his glasses and placed them on the coffee table as he rose out of his chair, his knees and back cracking as he straightened up.
She reached forward and grabbed the long-shaft of his walking stick, gnarled and rough, and placed it in his hand.
Nora began to negotiate the stairs, gripping the banister, the light from the landing highlighting grey roots in her blue rinse.
Gerald could hardly wait to get to bed; he settled onto the green padded cushion of his Stannah stair lift and flicked the button, slowly ascending towards her waddling behind as she stumbled up the last two steps.
Nora padded into the bathroom as Gerald sank down on the edge of the double divan.
She returned after a few moments, passing Gerald a cold and cloudy glass of tap water into which he dropped his teeth with a quiet splash.
She placed her own glass onto the bedside table and removed her top denture, dropping it into the glass and adding the cleaning tablet with a plop and a fizz.
Gerald had already slid under the 15-tog duvet and was smoothing out the wrinkles on his V-pillow.
Nora slipped her shoulders out of her gown and placed it next to the commode, then slid under the paisley polyester, her hand brushing Gerald’s as she fumbled for the TV remote.
Gerald gripped the handrail as he slid open the drawer under the dimly lit touch lamp and pulled out a blister pack of Viagra, his face falling as he realised it was empty.
He could’ve sworn there were a couple left.
Nora smiled to herself as she pressed the remote and the TV flickered into life on the opening credits of Question Time.
She sank back into the memory foam pillow and her eyes glinted happily knowing that Gerald would not be able to get another doctor’s appointment until late next week and that the little blue pills dissolving in the U-bend of the toilet would be completely gone by the morning.
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Monday, 24 December 2012
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Friday, 21 December 2012
Bases
There are 10 types of people in the world - those that get the preceding joke, and those that don't.
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Monday, 17 December 2012
Christmas! So it begins!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied...........
'These are Carol's.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied...........
'These are Carol's.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
Thursday, 13 December 2012
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Monday, 10 December 2012
Friday, 7 December 2012
Thursday, 6 December 2012
What I want in a Man....
What I want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn't fart in public
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn't fart in public
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Monday, 3 December 2012
Friday, 30 November 2012
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Monday, 26 November 2012
Friday, 23 November 2012
Thursday, 22 November 2012
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Monday, 19 November 2012
Drive Through Cash Machines
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Radial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Radial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Family Beatings
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Queens Park Rangers Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Queens Park Rangers Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
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