Attractive people think the world is a lot friendlier than it really is.
One time I looked up from my phone; it was horrifying! Don't do it guys.
Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions.
Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.
The word “Fat” looks like someone took a bite out of the word “Eat.”
The only time the word incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Fish that are caught and released are the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
We “bake” cookies but “cook” bacon.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text? Take a hint mum.
Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.
Bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it.
The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Let's take a moment to appreciate that Mother Nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.
I have no idea what I've forgotten.
The first person who copied someone was, in fact, very original.
My sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
The person who proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi.
Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.
I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.
Okay. That’s All, I'm going back to sleep now. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
Thursday, 31 July 2014
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
Monday, 28 July 2014
Friday, 25 July 2014
Thursday, 24 July 2014
The Real Laws Of Nature
Forget Newton and Galileo. Here are the real laws of nature:
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch and you'll need to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, rolls to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone and someone always answers.
5. Supermarket Law
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
6. Variation Law
If you switch queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch and you'll need to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, rolls to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone and someone always answers.
5. Supermarket Law
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
6. Variation Law
If you switch queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
Monday, 21 July 2014
Friday, 18 July 2014
Thursday, 17 July 2014
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Driving
Letter to the editor in the Sydney Herald Sun...
A Poem by Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my Wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
A Poem by Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my Wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
Monday, 14 July 2014
World Cup Refund
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Friday, 11 July 2014
Thursday, 10 July 2014
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
Monday, 7 July 2014
Friday, 4 July 2014
Thursday, 3 July 2014
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
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