Attractive People

Attractive people think the world is a lot friendlier than it really is.

One time I looked up from my phone; it was horrifying! Don't do it guys.

Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions.

Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed.

When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.

We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.

The word “Fat” looks like someone took a bite out of the word “Eat.”

The only time the word incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

Fish that are caught and released are the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.

We “bake” cookies but “cook” bacon.

I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.

Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text? Take a hint mum.

Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

Bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it.

The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.

Let's take a moment to appreciate that Mother Nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.

I have no idea what I've forgotten.

The first person who copied someone was, in fact, very original.

My sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

The person who proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi.

Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.

Okay. That’s All, I'm going back to sleep now. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.