From smbc
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
Monday, 29 September 2014
Friday, 26 September 2014
Thursday, 25 September 2014
Friday, 19 September 2014
Thursday, 18 September 2014
Caravan of Thieves - Raise The Dead
Hey love, you're not still afraid of our dearly departed, right?
Cause Earhart, Mozart, Joan of Arc and all of their friends are expected tonight
Listen now, we have little time so let's find some festive decor
Break out the candles, the cabernet, strike up the band
Let's all raise the dead
And ask them to come to feast
A big celebration of past consummations and grand conceits
Let's all break some bread
And merry down the boulevard
Give medals of honour to all of the goners and deceased
Come on, don't you tell me that you don't recognize anyone
This is Miss Dickenson, go ahead and tell her, her poems really lived on
Everyone, life is strictly for the living, like you and me
But tonight we are sharing, despite this odd pairing you see
Let's all raise the dead
And ask them to come to feast
A big celebration of past consummations and grand conceits
Let's all break some bread
And merry down the boulevard
Give medals of honour to all of the goners and deceased
Let's all raise the dead
And ask them to come to feast
A big celebration of past consummations and grand conceits
Let's all break some bread
And merry down the boulevard
Give medals of honour to all of the goners and deceased
Cause Earhart, Mozart, Joan of Arc and all of their friends are expected tonight
Listen now, we have little time so let's find some festive decor
Break out the candles, the cabernet, strike up the band
Let's all raise the dead
And ask them to come to feast
A big celebration of past consummations and grand conceits
Let's all break some bread
And merry down the boulevard
Give medals of honour to all of the goners and deceased
Come on, don't you tell me that you don't recognize anyone
This is Miss Dickenson, go ahead and tell her, her poems really lived on
Everyone, life is strictly for the living, like you and me
But tonight we are sharing, despite this odd pairing you see
Let's all raise the dead
And ask them to come to feast
A big celebration of past consummations and grand conceits
Let's all break some bread
And merry down the boulevard
Give medals of honour to all of the goners and deceased
Let's all raise the dead
And ask them to come to feast
A big celebration of past consummations and grand conceits
Let's all break some bread
And merry down the boulevard
Give medals of honour to all of the goners and deceased
Wednesday, 17 September 2014
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
The Beer Monster - A True Aussie
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle shop.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home."
En route I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got ?"
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home."
En route I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got ?"
Monday, 15 September 2014
Home Schooling
Most of our generation was Home Schooled in many ways.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOCIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck."
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOUR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOCIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck."
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOUR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Friday, 12 September 2014
Thursday, 11 September 2014
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
Tuesday, 9 September 2014
Monday, 8 September 2014
Friday, 5 September 2014
Thursday, 4 September 2014
Wednesday, 3 September 2014
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
Monday, 1 September 2014
Ferrari F1 Pit Crew
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
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