The other day I was telling my therapist about how I always seem to misjudge situations, and he said to me "Are you going to buy that couch or not?"
I saw someone jump off a tall building today, and it all happened so fast, I barely had time to get my phone out.
I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "Those stupid dogs!" Then the bell went and we all had lunch.
One time an old Gypsy woman asked if I wanted my fortune read and I said 'No, because you shouldn't have to ask me that question'.
The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur is the actual word she used.
This morning I made a Belgian waffle. This afternoon I made a Frenchman talk gibberish.
I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
I was in a fancy lingerie shop; I said, "are these knickers satin?"! He said, "No, they're new".
It's been a tough week. I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.
I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time she's going to scream and run out of the park.
I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a man's arm.
Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!'
My girlfriend says I'm too suspicious. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.
One time I was in the cinema buying a ticket for Final Destination when I had a premonition it was going to be rubbish. So, I bought a ticket to see another film instead, but then the projectionist accidentally loaded the wrong film, so I ended up watching Final Destination anyway.
It's ironic that to claim disability benefit you have to jump through a lot of hoops.
Duck billed platypus, platypus paid duck.
One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.
A friend of ours loved dancing but was always too broke to come out with us, so one night we all clubbed together, and left him at home.
