Magic Glue

From TheArgyleSweater

It takes a big man to admit that he's wrong, but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.

Diverse Opinions

 From JimBenton

I went to a restaurant where all the food was created using special effects.

It was CGI Fridays.

Petal Path

From BerkeleyMews

I almost caught a bloke in bed with my missus last night, but he dived out the window as I burst into the bedroom.

So I chased him.

"He went that way," said my mate Dave, pointing to next door's garden.

"Cheers mate, and get some clothes on, you'll catch your death!"

Everyday Problem

From Liz Climo

Ken Dodd said he wanted to leave a quilt on my floor.

I said "Over my bed, Doddy".

Contextual

From Wrong Hands

From Wrong Hands

From Wrong Hands

Scientist Statement: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Tabloid Headline: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

From LunarBaboon

The TV news just displayed three images of women who claimed that Jimmy Savile sexually assaulted them.

They showed a current picture of each of the women, together with a photograph of each of them taken back in the seventies.

The caption read: 'Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.'

Parents Educating Their Children

From Cyanide & Happiness

The other day I deleted internet history and now no one remembers who Tim Berners-Lee is.

What A Girl Wants

From smbc

Before you leave the house, think of the handy acronym: 'WOWEE'.

• Wallet

• phOne

• Wkeys

• Egg

• Egg (backup)

Another Helping Of Gary Delaney

I think my motto would be 'Je ne regrette rien, although I don't know what that means as I mucked about in French lessons, and I wish I hadn't now.

 

My 13 year old nephew's already started taking heroin. It's amazing isn't it? They shoot up so fast these days.

 

One time I almost had a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend. The only thing that stopped it happening was that they didn't invite me.

 

We called our fourth child Ivy, because we ran out of names and started using roman numerals.

 

I've just seen an actor tread on a centipede. I bet he's going to have a great show.

 

Just sat my A levels again naked. Living the dream!

 

"I rang you but I couldn't get through"

"What number did you call me on?"

"X, IV, X, C, I, III, L, M, X, VII"

"Sorry, that's an old number"

 

My Mum doesn't trust my Dad's secretary. I asked her why, and she just said 'I've seen her type before'

 

My girlfriend's a cat person. She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

 

I've just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them.

 

I asked my vet, "What can I do? I think my dog's racist. He keeps barking at the Asian man nest door.", The vet said, "muzzle him". I replied, "I don't know, but he's got a beard".

 

One night I wished a diabetic friend sweet dreams and they ended up in a coma.

 

When my girlfriend suggested we play 'Doctors and Nurses' I was hoping for something sexier than just being left in a corridor for two days.

 

People have told me that a salt and pepper beard looks good on me, but I'm not very good at accepting condiments.

 

The word Legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to prove you're the rightful king, to unexpectedly returning with crisps

 

I met a man who reminded me of my Dad: he came up to me and said 'Don't forget your Dad'.

 

When I rang up Gamblers Anonymous for help with my fruit machine addiction they asked if I wanted to hold.

Walrus Man - A New Breed Of Superhero

From Skeleton Claw

I think "confirmation bias" is nonsense, and the more I read about it, the more I'm convinced I'm right.

Polyglot

From The Far Side

Our first child was conceived during some crafty sex on a DFS sofa.

The baby was born a month late and came with a wonky leg.

Deadline

From Sunny Street

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night.

I said, "This is my dad, Roger, and this is my twin brother, Dave".

She smiled and said, "Nice to meet you, who's the oldest?"

I said "My dad".

Fore-ever Alone

From Scribbly G

I always wanted to be a professional golfer like my dad.

He always wanted to be a professional golfer too.

Poop Technique

Husband: "I've cleaned the bathroom."

Wife: "Aw, thanks babe."

Husband: "Remind me why we keep the toilet brush in the shower?"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "The toilet brush. Why do we keep it in the shower?"

Wife: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Husband: "That Shredded Wheat thing."

Wife: "MY LOOFAH?"

Husband: "What? You're telling me you named the damn toilet brush?"

Work Hard, Play Hard

From War and Peas

I don't mind going to work.

But this eight hour wait to go back home is just bullshit!

Email Receipt

From System 32 Comics

[shopping]

Girlfriend: "Babe, I really love these shoes but I left my purse at home"

Me: "How much are they?"

Girlfriend: "£750"

Me: *opens wallet*

Girlfriend: [excited]

Me: "Here's £10. Get a taxi and go and fetch your purse. I'll wait for you here".

Issues

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, went to Texas on holiday.

Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic Cowboy Boots, so seeing a pair on sale, he bought them and wore them back to the digs.

Walking along proudly, he sauntered into the bedroom and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me, Margaret?"

His wife looked him over carefully and said, "Nope., not a thing."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and then walked back out into the bedroom stark naked, except for his new cowboy boots.

Once again, he asked his wife, only a little louder this time, "Now do you notice anything different about me, Margaret?"

His wife looked him over again and exclaimed, "What's different, Bert? It's hanging down again today, same as it was hanging down yesterday, same as it'll probably be hanging down tomorrow, no doubt."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope," his wife replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS, WOMAN!"

"In that case", Bert's wife replied, "you should've bought a hat then, shouldn't you?"

Monkey Nuts

From Buni Comic

I saw my first porn film last week.

I couldn't believe how young I looked.