Celebrity Culture

From smbc

I do wish Medusa would stop objectifying everyone.

Age Old Concern

From Andertoons

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So, it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street, I don't even have to cross the road!

Flying Animals

From Buni Comic

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried.

"We better catch an airplane to Mexico, let's go to the airport!"

So, they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them.

"What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore."

So, they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal.

They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

Object Of Affection

From Portsherry

My wife's the double of the blonde one in Abba.

I can never remember whether it's Benny or Björn.

Faraday Cage Tour

From xkcd

I went to a wedding in a Faraday cage...

There was no reception

Casual Friday

From Mark Lynch

My wife was standing naked looking at herself in the mirror last night and asked, "What would you say is the best thing about me?"

I said "Your sandwiches".

Mixed Metaphors

From Real Life Adventures

For all those who like to compare a situation with Star Wars to explain it better:

metaphors be with you.

Baywatch

 

From Reality Check

My wife had a breast reduction last year.

She's down to just the two now.

The French Have A Word For That

From The Jenkins

'Gymnasium' is an ancient Greek word meaning 'naked exercise' but try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.

First Steps

From Speedbump

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

Phone Clock

From Loose Parts

Her: Let's exchange numbers.

Him: Won't that just confuse people who are trying to call us?

Kinda Surprise

What do you call an expired avocado?

Guaca-moldy

Choice

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I got some of that sensitive toothpaste last winter when the water was cold.

I wish I hadn't bothered; it gets jealous whenever I use other toothpaste.

Attenborough

From Bird and Moon

Earlier this year in a charity shop I bought an old vinyl single called "Sounds Wasps Make" out of curiosity.

I finally played it the other day and said to myself "This doesn't sound like wasps"

Then I realised I was playing the Bee side.

Future Tech Market

From 9to5

Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Three.

     One to change the bulb.

     One to sing about how good the old bulb used to be.

     And one to complain that the new bulb has gone electric.

Reading Position

From Liniers Cartoon

I hate hotel towels.

Sometimes they're so thick and fluffy I can hardly close my suitcase.

Time, The Great Educator

 From Cyanide & Happiness

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

Turning Back Time

From Looks Good On Paper

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on the last Saturday night of October and sees her 90 year old husband.

He has a can of black spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions.

She stops and yells, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"