The Treat

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

I went to see my doctor and he told me I was obese and diabetic.

I thought - he could have sugar coated it a bit.

Climate Change Activists

From Cyanide & Happiness

How well did Jackson Pollock do in art class?

He passed it with flying colours.

The Dangerous Book For Adults

From The Far Side

The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees."

Now I don't know what to do next, because the oven door is facing the wall.

Demanding

From Bird and Moon

What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

7 According To The Grimms

From smbc

I had to choose an 8 character password...

So I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Beak Shape

From Wrong Hands

A vulture walked into an aeroplane dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak.

The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks "Wouldn't you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?"

"No thanks", replies the vulture "it's carrion."

Regret

From Bliss

A man's dog goes missing and he is all worked up about it.

His wife suggests, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper, that usually works?"

So he does, but a week later the dog is still missing.

"How did you word the advert?" his wife asks.

He replied, "Here boy!"

Human Problem

From LunarBaboon

From Speedbump

Award Winning Dentist

From Mother Goose & Grimm

My dentist said to me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

Experienced

From Speedbump

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a female's body.

Then I was born.

Lonely Mantiss

From The Argyle Sweater

I have two mistresses.

One for penetrative sex first thing in the morning, and one fellator.

Trophies

From Buni Comic

A shark could swim faster than me.

But, I could probably run faster than a shark.

So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Tricks Of The Trade

From Mark Lynch

I had my phone stolen yesterday but the laugh's on them,

I've already used up all my free minutes.

Married Robots

From Rhymes With Orange

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:

1. Something something something

2. Some other stuff

3. I don't pay attention when she talks

The Adventurous Approach

From Liniers Cartoon

The only thing flat earthers have to fear . . .

. . . is sphere itself.

Dinosaur Museum

From The Jenkins

Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt?

Because they were too heavy to carry to the British Museum.

Porridge Vans

From Andertoons

What does a man with a 2-foot penis have for breakfast?

Well, this morning I had porridge.

An Octet Of Delaney

The more I learn about Russian dolls, the more I find there is to learn about Russian dolls.

 

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis, I'm tempted but worried it might make me a bit too cocky.

 

50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much.

 

There's two typos of people, those who make spelling mistakes and those who don't.

 

My Uncle's a lion tamer, when the bank foreclosed they took nearly everything, but at least he's still got his pride.

 

My Nan's got a dripping tap in her kitchen, which goes to show how much she loves dripping.

 

I've just been to the mobile library and borrowed a Nokia for three weeks.

 

I used to try to make eye contact with people on the tube, but one thing I soon learned about Londoners is they hate you touching their eyes.

Relentless

From Strange Brew

The instructions on my microwave meal say "stir and recover".

How tiring do they think stirring actually is?