Delicious Butter

I visited a little village yesterday and there were some cupcakes on a table with an honesty box at the side.

I took four and placed a note in the box.

It said, "A bit dry and could do with some more buttercream".

Wasted Motorbike

From Faceless

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

How To Eat An Oyster

From Toonhole

Why don't oysters share their pearls?

Because they are shellfish.

Living On A Phone

From See Mike Draw

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later.

If you want to come round and join in you'd be very welcome.

Ghost Cat

From Scribbly G

Always remember, if you travel by ghost train, watch out for the ticketing spectre.

Smart Mouse Attire

From Will McPhail

Mouse trap: £10

Cheese: £3

Coming home to find a house not full of droppings? Miceless.

Dog Interview

From Liz Climo

Interviewer: What would you say are your st...

Me: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

Interviewer: Okay, and your we...

Me: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Relaxed

From Remi Lascault

I phoned the boss, "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What?", he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"

I said, "You're the one who told me you wanted me in Brighton early this morning!"

Unfaithful

A guy sits down at a bar looking disconsolate.

"Is everything okay?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a month," he replies.

The bartender says, "Well, maybe that's a good thing. A little peace and quiet?"

The guy looks up with teary eyes and says, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

Installing Program

From System 32 Comics

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander.

It keeps draining my battery.

Next Episode

From Buni Comic

This morning my neighbour complained that I invade his personal space.

I was so upset by his comment that it completely ruined our bath!

Problems With Recursion

From smbc

There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say . . .

Murphy's Lawn

From Wrong Hands

I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

It's so difficult; how am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

The Evolution Of Smart Products

From Marketoonist

I had a fight with my alarm clock this morning.

It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent.

Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake.

I'm not sure who won that fight!

AI Image Generation

From The Jenkins

An AI algorithm walks into a bar and says,

"I'll have what everyone else is having."

Swimming

From xkcd

A gorgeous woman waved to me on the beach yesterday,

but there was no way I was swimming out that far to talk to her.

Yoda's Grave

From OffTheMark

Obi Wan: "Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3?"

Yoda: "In charge of scheduling I was."

Halo Engineer

From The Argyle Sweater

Little Bet

From JimBenton

I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend.

There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh".

But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show!

Podcast

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've had the shits for 6 weeks now.

This morning I was talking to a neighbour who's a doctor.

He told me not to worry and that they go back to school today!

Cats And Dots

From Loading Artist

If the earth is really flat . . .

. . . wouldn't the cats have pushed everything off the edge of it by now?