Hallovenn Diagram of BOOlean logic

From @38mo1

Pumpkin Carving

From GoatToSelf

Does anyone know where adults can go trick or treating?

Looking for a neighbourhood that hands out kebabs and whisky.

Sharing

From Joe Dator

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I responded surprised.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Anna?" I replied.

Wake Up Music

When I woke up this morning my alarm clock was playing The Brandenburg Concertos.

My wife told me not to worry as it always goes Bach at this time of year.

Turning Back The Clock

From Portsherry

If you can't remember whether to put your clocks forward or back this weekend, here's a handy phrase to help you remember:

The clocks go back this weekend.

Disastrous Accident

From OffTheMark

A man rushes to the doctor's and cries out, "Doctor, you've got to help me; I feel like I'm shrinking".

"Calm down", replies the doctor. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient".

Great Wikipedia Edit

I received an award from the Royal College of Music for "Outstanding contribution to Bagpipes".

I asked, "Why me, I've never even played the bagpipes?"

They said, "Precisely, if only there were more people like you in the world!"

Helpful Spiders

From Little Porpoise

The Helpful Wife

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry, you were going 80.

- Man gives his wife a dirty look -

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken rear light.

Man: Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken rear light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you have known about that rear light for weeks.

- Man gives his wife a dirty look -

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he is drunk.

Dating A Model

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies: "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there."

Housework Injuries

From Speedbump

I've recently moved in with my Czech girlfriend.

You wouldn't believe how long it takes her to hoover her house.

Turns out she's a Slovak.

Cat Feng Shui

From Safely Endangered

When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats.

This is known as the many paws.

Bird Seed

From OffTheMark

I've just realised what the paper towels at the side of the petrol pump are for.

They are there so you can wipe your tears away after you've paid to fill your car!

Sneezes Always Come In Threes

From Liniers Cartoon

From Liniers Cartoon

From Liniers Cartoon

Who decided to call it a chemist and not a coughy shop?

Protecting The Environment

From smbc

Scientists have today announced they have invented a car that is fuelled by parsley.

They are now working on a train that runs on thyme!

Botoxicons

Viagra:

it won't turn you into James Bond;

but it will make you Roger Moore.

Avoidance

From Rhymes With Orange

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember, this one time, I saw an elephant.

Pool Shark

From Loading Artist

I used to be addicted to swimming.

But, I'm very proud to say that I've been dry for six years.

I Saw A Dog

From HeyBuddy

Ocean Sounds

 

From OffTheMark

Humans are the animal that finds it hardest to get to sleep (not counting sheep).

Supercop

From Bizarro

I was in Tesco and saw a bloke from Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.

I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.

But when the police arrived, they arrested me instead of him...

Apparently, they use actors on the show!

Old Résumé

From JimBenton

I've got a new job.

It's shift work making chess sets.

I'm on knights next week.

Spinning Dogs

From OffTheMark

I didn't make it to the gym today, which makes five years in a row.

Competitive Orgy

From Cyanide & Happiness

I feel a bit overdressed at this premature ejaculation support group.

I've worn jeans and a shirt, everyone else has come in their pants.

New Baby

I now identify as a can of deodorant.

And before you ask. Yes, I'm Sure.