Levitate

From Liniers Cartoon

I took a levitation class last year.

I passed the first stage with flying colours, but then dropped out.

Catty Christmas

From OffTheMark

I was given an invisibility suit for Christmas.

I can't see myself wearing it though.

Presents

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the perfume's creator.

Ladies Night

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

Don't forget to buy enough food for 27 days today as the shops will be shut for 48 hours over Christmas.

Hang In There Fellas, Not Long Now

On Christmas Eve last year I told my wife I was popping to the shops.

She said, "While you're there, can you get some fairy liquid, detergent and some dishwasher tablets.

I said, "Can't you wait till tomorrow when you open your presents?"

Christmas Tree-t

From Buni Comic

'Tis the season where we say 'tis instead of it's.

Wrapping Paper

From xkcd

I've decided to form a choir for this Christmas.

So far, it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

If You Liked These . . .

From Reality Check

It's officially the season where you've got to ask your mum whether you're allowed to eat food or if it's for Christmas.

Cats Putting Up The Christmas Tree

From Break of Day

Santa played a round of golf this morning to help him relax before his big day and he hit a birdie.

It was a partridge on a par 3.

Well Chosen Present

From Bliss

Does anyone know where the Tesco staff Christmas party is being held this year?

I've been using the self-checkout all year so I figured that I'd go along.

Unwelcome Gift

From OffTheMark

I got a Travelodge advent calendar this year.

All the chocolate is still in it though as you can't get the windows open.

Flying Reindeer

From Safely Endangered

I got a Microsoft advent calendar this year.

If you open too many windows at once they all close again for no reason whatsoever.

Volunteer?

From Bizarro

I got a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar this year.

Behind every door is someone telling you to go away and leave them alone.

Snowman Clothing

From Loose Parts

I got home today and all the doors were wide open and everything was gone.

What sort of person does a thing like that to someone else's advent calendar?

Dreams Of Flying

From Remi Lascault

I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now he's got a butterfly cake.

Department Of Redundancy

From Loose Parts

Wow, that was quite a windy weekend we've just had.

In fact, the winds were so strong that my wheelie bin is on a speed awareness course next week!

Marriage Counselling

From Mark Lynch

A man and his wife were out on the golf course.

They've just played the first hole and are walking to the second tee when his wife is hit on the head by a stray golf ball and is knocked unconscious.

The husband panics and rushes into the clubhouse shouting, "Is there a doctor in the house? My wife's been knocked unconscious by a golf ball."

A chap at the bar pipes up, "I'm a doctor. Where has she been hit?"

The husband says, "In between the first and second holes."

"Blimey," says the doctor, "There won't be much room for a plaster."

Negative Comments

From JimBenton

I blocked the idiot who kept correcting my grammar.

It fielded so good.

James T Kirk's Guide To The Internet

I've just found out that my wife has a Tinder profile.

I am incensed by her deception.

She is absolutely not "adventurous", and "fun to be around".

A Christmas Wish