From The Kids

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I had a happy childhood.

My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down hills.

Those were Goodyears!

Batty Time

From OffTheMark

Drat, foiled again; the hour we will lose this weekend is the one when I was planning on going down the gym.

Smart Toaster

From Dogs on the 4th

Why shouldn't you put a toaster in the bathtub?

Because your toast will get soggy.

Odd Choice

From JimBenton

Kale - I prefer mine with a silent "K"

Missing Poster

From At Random Comics

Instagram Picture Advice

Stop editing your pictures.

What if you go missing?

How can we find you if you look like Angelina Jolie on Instagram and a potato in real life?

Robot Takeover

From smbc

The secret to happiness is not comparing yourself to others and I think I'm better at that than most people.

Face Blindness

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

Girls reading Cinderella only get to the part where it says "Cinderella married Prince Charming" and then they stop.

If they read just a little bit more, they could learn a useful life lesson.

The next line says, "End of fairytale".

Feeling Guilty

From Mark Lynch

My ex-girlfriend used to head butt me in the face whenever she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out that she was faking them.

All You Can Eat Buffet

From Private Eye

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag on M&Ms on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry Hippos that I've ever seen.

Mentally Prepared

From Loading Artist

I had a first date with a girl last night.

She arrived wearing a green jersey and big white gloves.

The moment I saw her I thought "she's a keeper".

T Rex Sun-Screen

From OffTheMark

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But, convincing her she's a robot with artificially implanted human emotions is called bladerunning.

It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

Supermarket Loyalty

From Rhymes With Orange

I just bought two pints of milk from Aldi.

It was an impulse buy.

I only went in for a trombone, a wet suit and an angle grinder.

Due Date

From AThirdThing

When my wife was pregnant there were various things that she just couldn't do.

For example, she couldn't reach to tie her own laces, so I had to do that for her.

And she couldn't run to catch the bus.

Sometimes we'd go shopping and I'd be back home hours before her.

Suspense

From Speedbump

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

Name Dropping

From Pardon My Planet

I thought Ariana Grande . . .

. . . was a font style.

Competence Based Interviewing

From Jonesy

Interviewer: I'm sorry, I don't think that you're really suited to the role of librarian.

Brian Blessed: WHY NOT?

Baby Changing Station

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made.

Airline Luggage

From Close to Home by John McPherson

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport.

Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly!

Hazard Ahead

From Looks Good On Paper

Q: Where do you weigh a pie?

A: Somewhere over the rainbow!

Processed Food

From Tyson Cole

Once a year I like to stay up late with some popcorn and whisky to watch the Oscars.

Unfortunately, Mrs Oscar closed the curtains early last night and ruined all my preparations.

Need A Ride?

From Benvinodi

A kid walks from his bedroom in a Tortoise costume.

Mother: Why are you wearing that costume?

Kid: I'm going to that costume party.

Mother: Isn't that next week?

Kid: Yeah, but I'm a Tortoise.

Yellow Paint

From Skeleton Claw

So, the painters finished painting my home and they handed me the bill.

I notice that by the paint it says £0.00.

I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?"

The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

I.D. Parade

From Jeff Hobbs

If you identify a UFO then it becomes an FO.

Unless it has landed: then it is simply an O.

Bowl Fight

From The Argyle Sweater

I remember when I knocked out the school bully.

I thought I'd be an instant hero.

But apparently it was "appalling behaviour" for a parent.

Wakey Wakey

From Dogs on the 4th

I'm old school.

I wake up with my eyebrows already on my face.

Doctor Joke

From smbc

Doctor: "You're completely blind"

Me: "What are you saying?"

Doctor: "April Fools lol you're actually deaf"

Me: "What?"

Doctor: "Oh right"

Resurrection

From At Random Comics

8pm - I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or football?

11pm - I text my girlfriend: You of course.

Everyone's A Winner Baby

From Leigh Rubin

What prize does someone get if they haven't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

Furniture For Prairie Dogs

From Spudtoons

My New Year's Resolution is to be more punctual.

Monster In The Cupboard

From The Odd 1s Out

Husband: If I died, would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move into our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs?

Wife: Definitely not.

Husband: Is that because they are personal to me?

Wife: No, it's because he is left-handed.

TRex Valentines Present

From OffTheMark 

Modern life raises so many problems.

For example, this morning I didn't know how many roses to give to my wife.

Would a single one be most romantic or would ½ a dozen be better?

Maybe I should give her a whole dozen.

In the end, I gave up and just gave her the whole tin.

Artistic Zoom

From JimBenton

I don't know the science behind it, but if you're totally naked and you want to feel even more naked all you have to do is put on some shoes.

Bearly Together

From After Death Comics

Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire.

Robot Problems

From Scribbly G

The guy next door spent all his money on a sex change.

Now he hasn't got a sausage.

Stuck At Work

From Pardon My Planet

How To Avoid Stress At Work:

1. Don't go to work.

Bad Dog

From Speedbump

Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.

It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.

Can someone help me track her down please?

I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.

Arousal Problem

From OffTheMark

Each night she's on the balcony

He loves her from afar

His soft, sad eyes are hypnotised

She shines down like a star.

His heart will break forever

His kind can't have affairs

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

His home's a humble bungalow

And her's a penthouse flat

He cannot go where she can go

And that, they say. is that.

He never can be near her

Although she knows he cares

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

You want to win a woman?

Just be cool... be aloof

The dog who doesn't hit the stairs

Can make it to the roof.

The dog who doesn't care

Will be the dog who wins the day

You'll never get to heaven...

With your chopper in the way.

 

The spirit soars, the body falls

And heavy lies the heart

That cries out with the pain of love

Be still my broken part.

How painful is the passion

And painful the repairs

For Dachshunds with erections

Can't climb stairs.

by Les Barker

Lab Workers

From Jonesy

Me: "Do you mind if I leave work early?"

Boss: "Only if you can make up the time."

Me: "Okay, it's eleventy past twine."

Mealtimes in 1965

From Strange Brew

I just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling cakes.

I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes.

Dry January

From Reality Check

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

Overstaying

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

The pot hole outside my house was so big . . .

. . . it took six council workers to watch the guy who came to fix it.

Talking To Parents

From Cyanide & Happiness

I always loved my mum's parents, Pearl and Dean.

Of course, I knew them as Granny and Grandpapa-p'pa-p'pa-p'pa-pahpahpah.

Trophy Wall

From Loose Parts

In the northern hemisphere, small dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them anticlockwise.

This is known as the corgiolis effect.

Night Terrors

From Bliss

How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar?

One of them has a bugle.

And the other one is really upset that his bugle's been stolen.

Cat Dentistry School

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth but . . .

. . . one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

Watching

From Buni Comic

People at work say I'm nosey and always listening in to private conversations.

I just wish they'd have the guts to say it to my face.

Adult Happiness

From Adrienne Hedger

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right and exercise more.

But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Ghost Couple's Therapy

From Leigh Rubin

The only time my wife stops moaning is when we're having sex!

Rat Race

From Will McPhail

I never thought that I would be the type of person to get up early in the morning to go running.

I was right!

Square Meal

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I went to the best burger van ever yesterday.

It was so good it had 4 Michelin tyres.