Entertainment For Cats

From OffTheMark

Where do Russian birds sleep?

In a commu-nest.

Bowling Ball Impression

From Cyanide & Happiness

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess.

Preserving Language

From smbc

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

The Mumbot

From JimBenton

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought . . .

. . . screw it!

In Deep Trouble

From Loading Artist

The perfect crime would be murdering Where's Wally, because the police would never find the body.

Changing Height

From Speedbump

It's another hot day so I've taken all my clothes off and opened all the windows.

I feel so much better; although the other people on the bus don't seem too pleased.

You Can Do It Chris

I really love watching tennis.

but I've never been able to figure out why they need a lifeguard.

Sticky Trap

From Safely Endangered

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

Croc Infested Waters

From Mark Lynch

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear.

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had serious healthy shoes!

Karaoke

From Twonk Comics

I've got an Abba song stuck in my head, I'll be singing it all day knowing me!

Using AI To Code

From Work Chronicles

From Work Chronicles

An AI algorithm walks into a bar . . .

. . . and says "I'll have what everyone else is having."

Camouflage

From Ben Chen

Whenever anyone at the gym asks if I can spot them, I always reply 'Who said that?'  

Flying Pigs

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Outside The Cocktail Bar

From Will McPhail

I love the look on people's faces, standing at the bus stop soaked in the rain as I drive past . . .

. . . it's partly why I became a bus driver.

Useful Driving Test Addition

From Bizarro

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop.

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes!"

Never Enough

From War and Peas

I felt a bit greedy when I treated myself to a new boat.

But I couldn't resist, there was a sail on.

Providing

From HeyBuddy

Four years ago I was doing trollies at Sainsbury's on a Monday night.

I left, worked hard, and got a degree from the University of Sheffield.

Now I'm doing trollies at Waitrose on a Friday night.

Never give up.

Training Wheel

From Rhymes With Orange

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

Spider Goo

From Dogs on the 4th

I recently took my beginner apiarist exams.

I got a B.

Horse Play

From Liniers Cartoon

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

Out Of Nowhere

 

From See Mike Draw

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their luggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

Balloon Fate

From At Random Comics

THE INFLATABLE BOY

Long ago in an inflatable land

Where the inflatable King and Queen rule

An inflatable boy in the village of Elftown

Went to inflatable school.

 

At 9am on the inflatable dot,

Inflatable lessons begin;

Nobody knew this inflatable boy

Had got an inflatable pin.

 

He kept it concealed in his satchel;

No one there knew of their fate

Till the boy ran amok in the staffroom

And teachers began to deflate.

 

He then stuck his pin in the building;

It was sharp and met little resistance;

Just a hiss at the start, then a deafening fart

As the school flew off into the distance.

 

Inflatable boys with inflatable pins

Know inflatable parents get stroppy;

The inflatable boy turned the pin on himself

And in no time at all he was floppy.

 

He was saved by a man with a bicycle pump

And a puncture repair kit to boot;

And when he came round the next morning,

By his bed was a man in a suit.

 

O dread; the headmaster, half covered in plasters,

Alive but not up to full pressure;

Not enough p.s.i. but pure wrath in his eye,

Filled not with air but displeasure.

 

"Now then, young man," the headmaster began

In the inflatable hospital in Elftown;

"You've let your teachers down,

You've let your school down,

And now you've let yourself down."

Les Barker

Laser Eye Surgery

From OffTheMark

I said to my doctor "I've got a problem with one of my ears".

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite".

Neglect

From Buni Comic

What's green and not very heavy?

Light green.

Commanding Respect

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

If you have just left school or uni and have started working at your first adult job you may be wondering if this is all there is to life.

No, it is not: there is also back pain.

Trash Tech

From Loading Artist

Just got a new job collecting litter.

When I asked about training, they said, "You'll pick it up as you go along."

Security

From Cyanide & Happiness

I sell security alarms door to door and I'm really good at it.

If no-one is at home I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Good News, Bad News

From JimBenton

Why did the archaeopteryx get the worm?

Because it was an early bird.

Troublesome Little Piggy

From The Argyle Sweater

It was early last September

As near as I can remember

While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride

Not a word did I utter

As I lay down in the gutter

And this pig came up and lay there by my side

 

Not a soul was I disturbing

As I lay there by the curbing

When a high toned lady passed I heard her say:

You can tell a man who boozes

By the company he chooses

And the pig got up and slowly walked away

Not Caring

From smbc

I went to an Indian restaurant the other day and decided to try the toucan curry.

The food was delicious but the bill was ridiculous.

Phonetically Defined 6

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 5

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 4

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 3

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 2

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 1

From Wrong Hands

I'm The One On The Right

From Chaz Hutton

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

Lifestyle Choice

From Will McPhail

It must be hard to be a parent nowadays.

You have to explain the birds & the bees.

The bees & the bees.

The birds & the birds.

The birds that used to be bees.

The bees that used to be birds.

The birds that look like bees and the bees that look like birds but still have a stinger.

Warning Sign

 From The New Yorker by Christopher Weyant

Two blondes went deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer.

They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "Girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier."

So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers.

After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground."

"Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our truck."

Interruptions

From Dilbert

From Dilbert

Have you seen that old boy collecting trollies at Tesco?

He must be pushing seventy odd.

Shred Of Evidence

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I took place in a police identity parade today.

The ones in uniform were the easiest to spot.

Urgent

From Work Chronicles

How come no-one liked the time travel joke that I posted next Thursday?

Nobody Is Satisfied

From C Section Comics

Everyone in my town wears woollen jumpers that are a size too small.

We're a very tight knit community!

Flowers

From Faceless

Scientists have discovered how much sleep the average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

Top 10 Dog/Cat Pop Songs

From Scott Metzger

From Scott Metzger

Good Time Freddie

From War and Peas

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect...

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH!

Helping Hand

From Sunny Street

A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street earlier and said "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"

I said "Show me your tits and then ask me the question again".

So, she lifted up her top and bra and said "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"

I said "Sorry love, I don't smoke".

Rejuvenation

From Buni Comic

Stealing clothes from washing lines.

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.