Small Talk Exams

From Wumo

There were two of them on Play School, one was big and one was little.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

A Great Darkness

From Leigh Rubin

Hello darkness my old friend.

Why are you here, it's 5 p.m.

Do You Ever Get The Urge

From The Far Side

No matter how much you push the envelope . . .

. . . it'll still be stationery.

Up Here

I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed.

I desperately need to see kelp.

Final Speech

From Safely Endangered

A Sultan's wife is genuinely called a Sultana although she is sometimes also known as his currant wife.

MooBeard

From Bizarro

Pirate 1: "the treasures be buried"

Pirate 2:" *are"

Three Little Words

From Bird and Moon

"Do you have any pets?"

"Yes, I have a dog."

"Any hobbies?"

"Rolling around in mud and fetching sticks."

Payback

From C Section Comics

I made my wife's dreams come true when we got married in a castle.

But you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

Spaceship Earth

From Liniers Cartoon

Some people call me the space cowboy,

Some call me the gangster of love,

Some people call me Maurice . . .

- Yes Sir, but I do still need to see your driving licence.

Chore Allocation

From Jonesy

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said "You're being charged with being good in bed."

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Look Alike

From GoatToSelf

Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They're all in bread.

Caring Doctor Boa

From War and Peas

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Fishing Line

From OffTheMark

I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop team later.

Their fielders and bowlers aren't that good, but their batter is brilliant!

Catherine Fish

From Cyanide & Happiness

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Good Dog Bad Dog

From Bliss

From Bliss

Can anyone give me an estimate of how many ball parks there are?

The Worst Part Of Being A Buddhist Monk

From smbc

Apparently, it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority.

So, bearing this in mind, I think that the following is still okay:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.

Pointless Studying

 From The Jenkins

A limerick:

 

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4) / 7 + (5 x 11) = 9² + 0

 

or to put it another way:

 

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more

Shedding Spots

From Speedbump

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and, apparently, will not be allowed on this bus again.

"Research"

From The Far Side

Penguin Crossing

From Mark Lynch

Lollipop ladies make me cross!

Our Tune

From Andertoons

Once you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both!

Hold The Door

From Twonk Comics

Top Tip: Relax twice as fast by playing your mindfulness meditation at double speed.

Above And Beyond

From Work Chronicles

My boss pulled up in his brand new Mercedes today and I couldn't help but admire it

"Nice car", I said as he got out.

Well, he said noticing my admiring looks; "Work hard, put the hours in, and this time next year I'll be able to buy an even better one".

Plant Hospital

From Rhymes With Orange

I confused my Scottish GP today . . .

. . . by telling him I had knee problems.

Imprinting

From The Far Side

Studies show that 48% of women have used vibrators.

The other 52% have brand new ones.

Welcome Home

From Little Porpoise

I saw yet another lost dog roaming the street the other day.

I thought, "If only I had a pound for every one of those I've seen".

Baby Teeth

From Safely Endangered

My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me,

"Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I told him, "I drink it!"

Familiar Perfume

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I met someone who smelt just like me.

He could have been my cologne.

Harmony

From Bird and Moon

If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's . . .

. . . that it's okay to lie about your age.

The Judgement

From C Section Comics

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

John Venn Was Having Marital Problems

From Liniers Cartoon

Two people from Kent recently became the first married couple to row all the way across the Atlantic.

Apparently, it started when he asked if she really needed that many clothes on a cruise.

Cat Lady

From Jonesy

As a young child my mother told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

It turns out, this is called identity theft.

Fast Car

From Martin Perscheid

My mate David had his ID stolen.

So, now I call him Dav.

Co-worker Complaints

From War and Peas

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet.

But they usually only have 4.

Parenting Technique

From OffTheMark

People get really annoyed when I read over their shoulders on trains which is stupid as I'm not even that loud.

A Child Fell Into A Well

From Cyanide & Happiness

A strangler is just a fiend you haven't met yet.

Quick Response

From Safely Endangered

I hate making spelling mistakes.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

Getting The Perfect Shot

From Bliss

I just failed my abseiling exam.

I let myself down badly there.

Occupational Hazard

From smbc

Once there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

Apple Intern

From Dustinteractive

I've just dropped my mobile phone.

Luckily it was in flight mode so it landed safely.

Best Before

From Speedbump

The best before date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

There should be a spoiler alert.

Number Scrabble

From The Jenkins

Throwing Scrabble tiles around the room is all fun and games until somebody loses an i.

Familiar

From Mark Lynch

I think elephants are over protected.

But that's easy for me to say from my ivory tower.

Contingency Plans

From Andertoons

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That's 3 hours of my life I'm never going to get back

This Guy

From Twonk Comics

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger!

Lying

From Work Chronicles

Quick question:

Is it, "for fuck sake", or "for fuck's sake"?

It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

Daily Ritual

From Rhymes With Orange

Did you hear about the massive LEGO sale this weekend?

People were lining up for blocks.

Self Cleaning Oven

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself . . .

. . . I really must wash some cups!

Imaginary Friends

From JimBenton

Did you know . . .

. . . that you can fly from any airport in the country without posting it on Facebook?

Protection Racket

From Will McPhail

I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle.