Fast Car

From Martin Perscheid

My mate David had his ID stolen.

So, now I call him Dav.

Co-worker Complaints

From War and Peas

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet.

But they usually only have 4.

Parenting Technique

From OffTheMark

People get really annoyed when I read over their shoulders on trains which is stupid as I'm not even that loud.

A Child Fell Into A Well

From Cyanide & Happiness

A strangler is just a fiend you haven't met yet.

Quick Response

From Safely Endangered

I hate making spelling mistakes.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

Getting The Perfect Shot

From Bliss

I just failed my abseiling exam.

I let myself down badly there.

Occupational Hazard

From smbc

Once there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

Apple Intern

From Dustinteractive

I've just dropped my mobile phone.

Luckily it was in flight mode so it landed safely.

Best Before

From Speedbump

The best before date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

There should be a spoiler alert.

Number Scrabble

From The Jenkins

Throwing Scrabble tiles around the room is all fun and games until somebody loses an i.

Familiar

From Mark Lynch

I think elephants are over protected.

But that's easy for me to say from my ivory tower.

Contingency Plans

From Andertoons

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That's 3 hours of my life I'm never going to get back

This Guy

From Twonk Comics

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger!

Lying

From Work Chronicles

Quick question:

Is it, "for fuck sake", or "for fuck's sake"?

It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

Daily Ritual

From Rhymes With Orange

Did you hear about the massive LEGO sale this weekend?

People were lining up for blocks.

Self Cleaning Oven

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself . . .

. . . I really must wash some cups!

Imaginary Friends

From JimBenton

Did you know . . .

. . . that you can fly from any airport in the country without posting it on Facebook?

Protection Racket

From Will McPhail

I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle.

Caught In The Lights

From Bizarro

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'.

It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

Choosing Underwear

From C Section Comics

"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing", I said to my wife.

"Wear your own then", she replied.

Liked

From Liniers Cartoon

The man that invented the Yo-Yo died yesterday.

He was lowered into his grave 15 times!

Happy

From Jonesy

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Hey Beautiful

From James Breakwell

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants never forget.

Cracking Horror

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

My friends call me the exorcist.

Because, after I leave there are no spirits left in the house.

Bikini Body

From War and Peas

My doctor says I should think about getting my stomach stapled.

It's great that at my age he still believes I could be a centrefold.

Sleeping Partner

From OffTheMark

The patron saint of coffee is St. Arbucks.

Head Support

From Cyanide & Happiness

After her son turned 10 years old his mother started to think that he looked a little strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not hers.

She told her husband what she had discovered.

Her husband replied, "Ah, you don't remember do you?

When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped into its nappy and you told me to go and change him.

So, l went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there".

The wife fainted.

Time Travel Warning

As a child all I wanted was to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Never Give Up On Your Dreams

From Safely Endangered

Can't Talk Right Now

From Bliss

People say I'm shallow.

Which is great, as it means they're talking about me.

The Reality Of Being A Parent

From smbc

What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?

Pasture bedtime!

Big Stripes

From Speedbump

"It's a boy!", I shouted with tears rolling down my face.

"I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment that I decided that I would never visit Thailand again.

Devices

From F Minus

I bumped into someone from my flashers' club in town earlier.

It's always nice to see a fellow member.  

Remote

From Junk Drawer

I was amazed the first time I saw a universal remote

I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"

Water Safety

From Mark Lynch

Just a warning, in case you're thinking of buying a watch from Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim wearing it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Narcisyphus

From Andertoons

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies.

He said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

Regular Gym Visitor

From Twonk Comics

Husband: I heard a rumour that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that snooty Cynthia Quinn in Number 12.

Training Overhead

From Work Chronicles

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stupid? He doesn't have one eye, the picture is the profile of the man!"

Clearly furious by that answer, he asked the second blonde the same question.

"Oh, well... I'd recognize him because he only has one ear".

The police officer was damn furious and let out a loud sigh before asking the third blonde, and he urged her to at least think through the answer before answering.

"I'd recognize him because he wears contact lenses", she said.

The police officer, somewhat clearly caught off guard by that answer was curious to see if she was right or not. So she called the photographer from the model agency from where the picture was obtained and asked the photographer for the model's phone number.

Surely enough, he called the model and the model confirmed that he was wearing contact lenses when the picture was taken.

"That's amazing!", he told the third blonde. "How in the world did you know that he was wearing contact lenses?"

"Well," said the third blonde, "he can't wear glasses since he only has one eye and one ear".

On A Mission

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm just getting my beach gear together and after all the eating I've done this winter I'm happy to report that my flip flops still fit.

Making Friends

From Little Porpoise

Yesterday I tried that new laxative that contains goose feathers.

Today I'm feeling down in the dumps.

Apple Burgers

From FoodBeast

I spotted someone stealing something from the Apple Store.

So new, I'm an iWitness.

Trust Test

From Will McPhail

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who

I'm not a poo

Early Version Of Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock . . .

From Bizarro

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

I think he wants a rematch because he's been chasing me ever since.

Love Your New Outfit

From C Section Comics

Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains . . .

. . . they're either male or female, but none of the other 700 genders?

One Small Hop

From Liniers Cartoon

Why do astronauts use macs?

Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.

Hot And Dry

From Jonesy

I feel sorry for the staff of Greggs in this weather.

They must be baking in there.

Stocking Up

The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.

Geology Bookcase

From Slane Cartoons

Some people hate geology jokes,

but I think they're pretty gneiss.

Test On Thursday

From The Jenkins

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results.

The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"The good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"The bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."