First Birthday

From Buttersafe

Pluto wanted to throw Earth a birthday party on New Year's Eve.

But he forgot to planet.

Mix Up

From Joseph Nowak

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please?

Waiter: Of course,

Me: It didn't say it had nuts.

Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe.

Me: That makes sense.

Waiter: And for you sir?

Me: Steak, no bees, please?

Self Interested Climate Change Denier

From smbc

I think solar power is the future.

But I don't think that it will happen overnight.

Christmas 2035

I seem to be addicted to cold turkey.

Does anyone know how I can stop?

Favourite Gift

From Speedbump

My wife bought me a bread making machine for Christmas.

So far, I've made a baguette, a bloomer and a tiger loaf.

I'm on a roll now.

Taking One For The Team

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

What did Adam say on the night before Christmas?

It's Christmas Eve.

Brrrr!

From JimBenton

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

The Pounds Just Melt Off

From Reality Check

Banks need to get better at re-stocking their ATMs before Christmas.

This is the 5th one I've been to that has insufficient funds.

Elf On The Shelf

What do you call a house elf that edits documents?

A-Dobby.

Snowtograph

From Speedbump

During the Covid lockdown, if you had family round on Christmas Day, police could force entry to your home and make them go home.

Does anyone know if this service is still available, and if you have to book?

Mix Up

From Rhymes With Orange

Breaking News

Tampax have announced that they'll be replacing the strings with tinsel.

But, just for the Christmas period.

Seasons Greetings

From Four Eyes

My wife left me yesterday because she said I was too addicted to football.

I was devastated . . . I'd been with her for 12 seasons.

Glow Source

From OffTheMark

I need some advice here.

I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.

Is that too dear?

Pets Playing Games

From OffTheMark

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of dogs and cats.

This phenomenon is known as the many paws.

Googling Then and Now

From Chaz Hutton

Where does Google like to go for a drink?

To the search bar.

The Summons

From Anjali Srivastava

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

 

Poohberty

From Looks Good On Paper

I was on holiday in Turkey and came across one of those Turkish Bath Houses.

They shave with a solid steel stone ground razor, snip out nose and ear hairs, wax off chest and back hair, pluck all the hairs of the crack of your bum and finish off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

Honestly, the wife's not looked so good in years.

Dog Air

From Mark Lynch

When I was in the pub, I overheard someone saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a sexist.

I mean, it's not as if she'd ever end up having to reverse it!

Oldie

A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop

"When is it due" he asks.

"Two weeks" she replies.

"I guess I'll just walk then" he responds.

Misaligned

From Andertoons

I had an audition to become the trumpet player in my local jazz quartet today.

Everything was going really well at first, but then I blew it.

Liking It Ruff

From Monster Picnic

I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the duvet.

After a few seconds my wife shouted, "What is up with you, that really stinks!"

It must have been pretty bad; she was downstairs at the time!

Untrained Dog

From Bliss

So, the Movember Moustache was finally shaved off this morning.

I'm so happy . . . my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.

Trojan Bargain

From smbc

I'm absolutely gutted.

Kajagoogoo tickets just went on sale for £30 but I've only got £28.

Sans Sheriff

From Noel Curry

Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion . . .

. . . he will be given a tough sentence.

Lost Property

From Leigh Rubin

I found thousands of letters in my letterbox this morning.

That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.

Remote Working, Pros and Cons

From Dilbert

Ironing done. Hoovering done. Washing up done. Kids bathed. Kids in bed.

The perfect time to go home from the pub.

Bird's Eye View

From New Scientist

The way to tell the difference between crows and rooks is that crows have black beaks whereas rooks look like little castles.

The Great Thing About Cats

From Bizarro

I've got a lighter with a pink flame at home.

I use it to light camp fires.

Driving Home

Wow, he's setting off early this year!

My new car has a switch for pretty much everything.

There's even one that says 'rear wiper' but I'm still too afraid to try that one whilst I'm driving.

Frog Prince

From Portsherry

Can't wait until I can start my advent calendar. I'm counting down the days already.

The Menu Please

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night.

They served super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

The Nurturing Knight

From smbc

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river.

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad.

Beep Beep

From Loose Parts

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all those ACME products, why didn't he just buy himself dinner?

If You Use These Emojis You're Old

From Steve Nelson

There were no such things as emojis when I was a young man.

In those days if you wanted a girl to know you found her attractive you had to post her an aubergine.

Proactive

From JimBenton

I tried reading the dictionary in bed last night.

I didn't finish it.

I got up to p.

Safe Place

From OffTheMark

They threw me out of the cinema yesterday for taking in my own food.

But come on, the prices in the cinema foyer are far too high.

Plus, I hadn't had a barbeque in for ages.

It's Alive

From Buttersafe

Most people think Frankenstein is the name of the monster.

But, it's not.

It's the name of the book.

Allergy Warning

From Looks Good On Paper

Soylent Green is just the brand name.

You can make it at home with your friends and family.

Day Off

From StrangeTrek

I'm not saying his autobiography is ghost written but he dies at the end.

Playing Outside

From Mark Lynch

I couldn't get my phone to work in my hotel room the other night, so I went downstairs.

They have reception there!

Anxiety Club

From Dinos and Comics

The hardest part of joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous . . .

. . . is admitting that you don't have a problem.

Shady Disguise

From Speedbump

I do not look like a Smurf and I've told people that until I'm blue in the face.

Who's Ready For Halloween?

From Liz Climo

I've just been to my Nan's house, and fair play to her, at 94, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the sofa.

She always makes a big effort but when I rang the bell there was no answer.

I'll pop back next week, see how she's doing!

Pupkin

From Bliss

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Fairytale Wedding

From Twonk Comics

Why is a massage like a fairy tale?

They're both better with a happy ending.

Strict Doctor

If you boil a funny bone, you get a laughing stock.

And that's humerus.

Small Talk Exams

From Wumo

There were two of them on Play School, one was big and one was little.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

A Great Darkness

From Leigh Rubin

Hello darkness my old friend.

Why are you here, it's 5 p.m.

Do You Ever Get The Urge

From The Far Side

No matter how much you push the envelope . . .

. . . it'll still be stationery.

Up Here

I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed.

I desperately need to see kelp.