Dry January

From Reality Check

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

Overstaying

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

The pot hole outside my house was so big . . .

. . . it took six council workers to watch the guy who came to fix it.

Talking To Parents

From Cyanide & Happiness

I always loved my mum's parents, Pearl and Dean.

Of course, I knew them as Granny and Grandpapa-p'pa-p'pa-p'pa-pahpahpah.

Trophy Wall

From Loose Parts

In the northern hemisphere, small dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them anticlockwise.

This is known as the corgiolis effect.

Night Terrors

From Bliss

How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar?

One of them has a bugle.

And the other one is really upset that his bugle's been stolen.

Cat Dentistry School

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth but . . .

. . . one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

Watching

From Buni Comic

People at work say I'm nosey and always listening in to private conversations.

I just wish they'd have the guts to say it to my face.

Adult Happiness

From Adrienne Hedger

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right and exercise more.

But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Ghost Couple's Therapy

From Leigh Rubin

The only time my wife stops moaning is when we're having sex!

Rat Race

From Will McPhail

I never thought that I would be the type of person to get up early in the morning to go running.

I was right!

Square Meal

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I went to the best burger van ever yesterday.

It was so good it had 4 Michelin tyres.

Vegetarian

From Joe Dator

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone they're a vegan!

Location

From Close to Home by John McPherson

I've really been enjoying the Where's Wally audiobook.

"Not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, Wally, not Wally, not Wally . . ."

Brief Outing

From OffTheMark

I got upset when I couldn't find any scissors to cut a coupon out of a newspaper.

I was reduced to tears!

Pickup

From Speedbump

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok?" she says."

Yes." he says."

You can go and play with the other kids you know" she says.

"It's best I stay here." he says.

"Why's that sweetie?" says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!"

What Flavour

 

Level Up

From Safely Endangered

Contents Warning

From Looks Good On Paper

I've had testicles all my life so now I'm ready for real icles.

Happy New Year

From Strange Brew

I've opened a gym called Resolutions.

It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks . . .

. . . and then it will turn into a bar for the rest of the year.