Need A Ride?

From Benvinodi

A kid walks from his bedroom in a Tortoise costume.

Mother: Why are you wearing that costume?

Kid: I'm going to that costume party.

Mother: Isn't that next week?

Kid: Yeah, but I'm a Tortoise.

Yellow Paint

From Skeleton Claw

So, the painters finished painting my home and they handed me the bill.

I notice that by the paint it says £0.00.

I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?"

The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

I.D. Parade

From Jeff Hobbs

If you identify a UFO then it becomes an FO.

Unless it has landed: then it is simply an O.

Bowl Fight

From The Argyle Sweater

I remember when I knocked out the school bully.

I thought I'd be an instant hero.

But apparently it was "appalling behaviour" for a parent.

Wakey Wakey

From Dogs on the 4th

I'm old school.

I wake up with my eyebrows already on my face.

Doctor Joke

From smbc

Doctor: "You're completely blind"

Me: "What are you saying?"

Doctor: "April Fools lol you're actually deaf"

Me: "What?"

Doctor: "Oh right"

Resurrection

From At Random Comics

8pm - I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or football?

11pm - I text my girlfriend: You of course.

Everyone's A Winner Baby

From Leigh Rubin

What prize does someone get if they haven't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

Furniture For Prairie Dogs

From Spudtoons

My New Year's Resolution is to be more punctual.

Monster In The Cupboard

From The Odd 1s Out

Husband: If I died, would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move into our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs?

Wife: Definitely not.

Husband: Is that because they are personal to me?

Wife: No, it's because he is left-handed.

TRex Valentines Present

From OffTheMark 

Modern life raises so many problems.

For example, this morning I didn't know how many roses to give to my wife.

Would a single one be most romantic or would ½ a dozen be better?

Maybe I should give her a whole dozen.

In the end, I gave up and just gave her the whole tin.

Artistic Zoom

From JimBenton

I don't know the science behind it, but if you're totally naked and you want to feel even more naked all you have to do is put on some shoes.

Bearly Together

From After Death Comics

Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire.

Robot Problems

From Scribbly G

The guy next door spent all his money on a sex change.

Now he hasn't got a sausage.

Stuck At Work

From Pardon My Planet

How To Avoid Stress At Work:

1. Don't go to work.

Bad Dog

From Speedbump

Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.

It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.

Can someone help me track her down please?

I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.

Arousal Problem

From OffTheMark

Each night she's on the balcony

He loves her from afar

His soft, sad eyes are hypnotised

She shines down like a star.

His heart will break forever

His kind can't have affairs

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

His home's a humble bungalow

And her's a penthouse flat

He cannot go where she can go

And that, they say. is that.

He never can be near her

Although she knows he cares

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

You want to win a woman?

Just be cool... be aloof

The dog who doesn't hit the stairs

Can make it to the roof.

The dog who doesn't care

Will be the dog who wins the day

You'll never get to heaven...

With your chopper in the way.

 

The spirit soars, the body falls

And heavy lies the heart

That cries out with the pain of love

Be still my broken part.

How painful is the passion

And painful the repairs

For Dachshunds with erections

Can't climb stairs.

by Les Barker

Lab Workers

From Jonesy

Me: "Do you mind if I leave work early?"

Boss: "Only if you can make up the time."

Me: "Okay, it's eleventy past twine."

Mealtimes in 1965

From Strange Brew

I just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling cakes.

I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes.