Steps

From Moderately Confused

Doctor: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Doctor: Yes

Me: No

From The Kids

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I had a happy childhood.

My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down hills.

Those were Goodyears!

Batty Time

From OffTheMark

Drat, foiled again; the hour we will lose this weekend is the one when I was planning on going down the gym.

Smart Toaster

From Dogs on the 4th

Why shouldn't you put a toaster in the bathtub?

Because your toast will get soggy.

Odd Choice

From JimBenton

Kale - I prefer mine with a silent "K"

Missing Poster

From At Random Comics

Instagram Picture Advice

Stop editing your pictures.

What if you go missing?

How can we find you if you look like Angelina Jolie on Instagram and a potato in real life?

Robot Takeover

From smbc

The secret to happiness is not comparing yourself to others and I think I'm better at that than most people.

Face Blindness

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

Girls reading Cinderella only get to the part where it says "Cinderella married Prince Charming" and then they stop.

If they read just a little bit more, they could learn a useful life lesson.

The next line says, "End of fairytale".

Feeling Guilty

From Mark Lynch

My ex-girlfriend used to head butt me in the face whenever she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out that she was faking them.

All You Can Eat Buffet

From Private Eye

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag on M&Ms on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry Hippos that I've ever seen.

Mentally Prepared

From Loading Artist

I had a first date with a girl last night.

She arrived wearing a green jersey and big white gloves.

The moment I saw her I thought "she's a keeper".

T Rex Sun-Screen

From OffTheMark

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But, convincing her she's a robot with artificially implanted human emotions is called bladerunning.

It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

Supermarket Loyalty

From Rhymes With Orange

I just bought two pints of milk from Aldi.

It was an impulse buy.

I only went in for a trombone, a wet suit and an angle grinder.

Due Date

From AThirdThing

When my wife was pregnant there were various things that she just couldn't do.

For example, she couldn't reach to tie her own laces, so I had to do that for her.

And she couldn't run to catch the bus.

Sometimes we'd go shopping and I'd be back home hours before her.

Suspense

From Speedbump

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

Name Dropping

From Pardon My Planet

I thought Ariana Grande . . .

. . . was a font style.

Competence Based Interviewing

From Jonesy

Interviewer: I'm sorry, I don't think that you're really suited to the role of librarian.

Brian Blessed: WHY NOT?

Baby Changing Station

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made.

Airline Luggage

From Close to Home by John McPherson

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport.

Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly!

Hazard Ahead

From Looks Good On Paper

Q: Where do you weigh a pie?

A: Somewhere over the rainbow!

Processed Food

From Tyson Cole

Once a year I like to stay up late with some popcorn and whisky to watch the Oscars.

Unfortunately, Mrs Oscar closed the curtains early last night and ruined all my preparations.