The Pounds Just Melt Off

From Reality Check

Banks need to get better at re-stocking their ATMs before Christmas.

This is the 5th one I've been to that has insufficient funds.

Elf On The Shelf

What do you call a house elf that edits documents?

A-Dobby.

Snowtograph

From Speedbump

During the Covid lockdown, if you had family round on Christmas Day, police could force entry to your home and make them go home.

Does anyone know if this service is still available, and if you have to book?

Mix Up

From Rhymes With Orange

Breaking News

Tampax have announced that they'll be replacing the strings with tinsel.

But, just for the Christmas period.

Seasons Greetings

From Four Eyes

My wife left me yesterday because she said I was too addicted to football.

I was devastated . . . I'd been with her for 12 seasons.

Glow Source

From OffTheMark

I need some advice here.

I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.

Is that too dear?

Pets Playing Games

From OffTheMark

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of dogs and cats.

This phenomenon is known as the many paws.

Googling Then and Now

From Chaz Hutton

Where does Google like to go for a drink?

To the search bar.

The Summons

From Anjali Srivastava

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

 

Poohberty

From Looks Good On Paper

I was on holiday in Turkey and came across one of those Turkish Bath Houses.

They shave with a solid steel stone ground razor, snip out nose and ear hairs, wax off chest and back hair, pluck all the hairs of the crack of your bum and finish off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

Honestly, the wife's not looked so good in years.

Dog Air

From Mark Lynch

When I was in the pub, I overheard someone saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a sexist.

I mean, it's not as if she'd ever end up having to reverse it!

Oldie

A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop

"When is it due" he asks.

"Two weeks" she replies.

"I guess I'll just walk then" he responds.

Misaligned

From Andertoons

I had an audition to become the trumpet player in my local jazz quartet today.

Everything was going really well at first, but then I blew it.

Liking It Ruff

From Monster Picnic

I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the duvet.

After a few seconds my wife shouted, "What is up with you, that really stinks!"

It must have been pretty bad; she was downstairs at the time!

Untrained Dog

From Bliss

So, the Movember Moustache was finally shaved off this morning.

I'm so happy . . . my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.