From Bizarro
Friday, 29 November 2013
Thursday, 28 November 2013
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
Vraiment Très Drôle
True (?) story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was wrecked.
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies;
'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...my mate and I downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's Black Label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was wrecked.
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies;
'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...my mate and I downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's Black Label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
Monday, 25 November 2013
Friday, 22 November 2013
Thursday, 21 November 2013
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
Monday, 18 November 2013
Friday, 15 November 2013
Thursday, 14 November 2013
Classified Adverts
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in UK Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
A Linguistics Professor Was Lecturing To His Class One Day.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up “Yeah, right.”
Sidney Morgenbesser
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up “Yeah, right.”
Sidney Morgenbesser
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Dating For Dummies
A young ventriloquist was doing a show. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the second row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes," she screamed. "What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the colour of person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. It's all because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general - and all in the name of humour."
The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologise, whereupon the blonde yelled, "You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap.
Monday, 11 November 2013
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path
is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind-shield.
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and then are slapped on our bottoms ... Then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind-shield.
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and then are slapped on our bottoms ... Then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Friday, 8 November 2013
Thursday, 7 November 2013
Wednesday, 6 November 2013
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
Monday, 4 November 2013
Friday, 1 November 2013
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