Freedom

From Andertoons

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was.

I said, "the muppet from Sesame Street".

They told me, "He doesn't count".

I replied, "I assure you, he does".

Medicine Instructions

My doctor: "You have a disease that causes memory loss"

Me: "Is it contagious?"

My doctor: "Is what contagious?"

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

My neighbours keep complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings . . .

. . . if only they knew it's just me putting my socks on!

Forgotten Opinion

From Wumo

I hate people who force their opinions on others.

And so should you!

At-Tie-Re

From Strange Brew    

My favourite thing about the Euromillions is that the odds of you winning the jackpot barely change if you forget to buy a ticket.

Otherwise Engaged

From GoatToSelf

Oh, the grand old Duke of York

He had twelve million quid

He gave it to an American girl

For something he never did.

Long Wait?

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

Clay Pigeon Shooting For Dogs

From Bliss

Two DJs are talking in the pub.

"Wanna go see a movie tonight?" asks one.

"Dunno" replies the other, "who's the projectionist?"

Business Is Blooming

From Loading Artist

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight, and they got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa.

I'm Marathon, "the one with the nuts" he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But three days later his Shebert Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

Animal Abilities

Professor X: "What's your superpower?"

Me: "Hindsight"

Professor X: "That's not going to help us"

Me: "Yes I see that now"

Common Land

From OffTheMark

People saying PIN number or ATM machine really make me LOL out loud.

Winter Egglympics

From Chucklebros

Emotional Search

From Cyanide & Happiness

What do you call a sexually harassed robot?

R2#metoo

Zombie Police

From OffTheMark

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas.

Because, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Buffet Professional

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I said to my mate "Do you think it's ever ok to have sex with an animal?"

He said "Which animal?"

I said "That's a good enough answer for me".

One Please

From The Jenkins

From Buni Comic

From Honey Dill

I got this new TV remote, and it had a big red button that said 'Cinema Mode'.

So, I clicked on it and this voice behind me went: "Shut up in front will you, I'm trying to watch the film".