Frozen

From Loose Parts

Why don't igloos have corners?

Corners are 90 degrees, the igloo would melt.

Bathtime

From Joseph Nowak

Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

Amnesia Support Group Meeting

From Bound and Gagged

I'm still a member of Constipation Club, even though I haven't been for ages.

Super New Clothes

From Looks Good On Paper

I placed an order on Deliveroo and it said my meal would take an hour.

So, I've just ordered some bread and olives from them while I wait.

Worst Consequences Of Sex

From Truth Facts

Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Fortune Cookie

From Mark Lynch

I spent five hundred quid on a limo rental and when I got there, I discovered that it didn't have a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

Kid Napping

From GoatToSelf

After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don't want to have kids.

We'll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.

A Happy Place

From A Third Thing

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down when a voice from the next cubicle said, "Hi. How are you today?"

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine, thanks."

The voice said, "So, what are you up to?"

I said, "Well, I'm probably doing the same as you, I expect. Sitting here, waiting..."

From next door, "Can I come over?"

Annoyed, I said, "No, you can not, you dodgy pervert."

The voice then said, "Listen, I'm going to have to ring you back. There's some moron in the next cubicle listening to every word I say."

Project

From Tom Gauld

I heard they're making an air freshener that is controlled by your mind.

I know it sounds crazy but it makes scents when you think about it.

Danger Sign

From The Jenkins

I heard they’re making an air freshener that is controlled by your mind.

I know it sounds crazy but it makes scents when you think about it.

Accidental Offence

From Anjali Srivastava

My girlfriend told me she had a dream about me cheating.

It's sweet of her to have dreams about me being happy.

Deadly Games

From Wumo

Son: "Can I go on the Xbox?"

Me: "No it's too violent. You should play family games like I used to"

[30 years ago]

Me: "I think the professor was strangled in the library with a rope"

Fish Fun

From The Argyle Sweater

What, again?

You can't always be experiencing a higher volume of calls than normal.

That's not how averages work.

Unsatisfying Life

And then he rose from the dead? I can barely get out of bed for work!

From smbc

Could anyone help me with my Easter crossword puzzle?

2 Across: "Where they nailed Jesus."

Egg Hunt

From Buni Comic

Looks like Arsenal will have to manage without Jesus this weekend.

He won’t be back until Monday apparently.

Complete Gingerbread Men

 

From Buni Comic

A gingerbread man goes to the doctors...

Gingerbread Man: Doctor, I broke my leg and it’s so painful!

Doctor: Have you tried icing it?

Slinky-phus

From Andertoons

The wife wore an amazing slinky number last night!

She looked amazing coming down the stairs!

The Horror Of Aging

From Speedbump

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mum," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mum!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'." 

A Dozen Delaneys

I bet the Queen was disappointed to watch 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', and find it wasn't about the time she flew over a cuckoo's nest.

 

Not a lot people know this about 50 Cent, but he used to be one half of Dollar.

 

The Tower of Pisa is probably the most famous listed building.

 

I went on a course to learn how to complain properly, and it was so good, I got my money back.

 

I was named after my dad, and that's because I'm a lot younger than him.

 

I used to be a mobile hairdresser but that didn't work out, as not enough people had hairy phones.

 

As a child I worked in hurricane prevention, well I say that, I pulled the wings off butterflies.

 

I've just completed the couch to 5K app, now what am I supposed to do with 5000 couches?

 

I accidentally used a volume maximising shampoo, and now my hair's too noisy.

 

My nose was all clogged up this morning, so I gave it a really good blow, and two wooden shoes popped out.

 

I was actually Birmingham Memory Man of the Year, back in 1980-something.

 

There's two typos of people in the world, those who always notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

Modern Day Alien Problems

From Andertoons

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.