Fitness Tracker

From OffTheMark

The rotation of Earth . . .

. . . really makes my day.

We Made It

From StrangeTrek

My favourite bit of The Bible is where God gives everyone free will and then drowns everyone for not acting like he wanted them to.

Sleepy

From LunarBaboon

I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.

Unfortunately, it turned out that the surgery isn't open at half three in the morning.

Hush Money

From At Random Comics

My wife's gone out for a night on the town with the girls.

She's taken her wedding ring off and left it at home, presumably to avoid losing it if she has a couple too many drinks.

Very sensible. I hope she has a lovely time.

League Cup Final : Chelsea 0 v 1 Liverpool

 

Crab Crossing

From Leigh Rubin

Remember the Tesco horsemeat scandal?

I've just heard that apparently B&Q wooden flooring has laminit.

Basic Grammar Lesson

From Mark Lynch

If, like me, you've ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember . . .

. . . my door is always open.

Instagrammable Achievement

From OffTheMark

Me, looking at a barn full of kale: "Who's all that for?"

Farmer: "The cattle eat it."

Me: "Wow, that must be one hungry cat."

Sharp Sales Practice

From Bizarro

I asked a German student if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

Young Picasso

From The Argyle Sweater

I bought a painting of a policeman today.

I think that it's a Constable.

New Look

From Speedbump

My wife threatened to leave me because of my addiction to poker.

But I think she's bluffing.

Jealousy

From Bliss

Watson sees Sherlock Holmes planting a tree and asks him, "What kind of tree are you planting?"

Holmes: "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

Valentine's Day Chocolates

 

From JimBenton

FACT: Saint Valentine was an early Christian martyr who was stoned to death for selling criminally overpriced flowers and chocolates.

11 Delaneys

A palindromedary camel has the same number of humps going backwards or forwards.

More Americans are killed in shootings than by fire and that's because if you shout "fire" in America someone will shoot you.

 

I love looking at things through a magnifying glass to see what they're made of, for example not many people know this but ants are actually made of fire.  

 

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

 

Password tip for married men.

Use something you did wrong as that way your wife will never let you forget it.

 

My robot friend always wondered why his family ran on DC current but he ran on AC, until one day he found out he was adapted.

 

My Grandad was a famous spy in World War Two, which is how he got caught.

 

I saw a sign in Specsavers saying children should not be left without supervision. If they had that they wouldn't be in Specsavers.

 

One time I burped in front of the Queen which is a crime but it's OK as she gave me a pardon.

 

I'm not saying I'm accident prone but I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.

 

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Major Transplant

From Loose Parts

I've just 'phoned Argos to see if they had the game 'Operation' in stock.

Apparently there's a two year waiting list!

Another Vase, Another Victory

From War and Peas

I ran over an old lady's cat at the weekend.

I asked her, "Can I replace it?"

She replied, "I don't know, how good are you at catching mice?"

Opinion

From The Jenkins

I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves.

Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?