Fast Car

From Martin Perscheid

My mate David had his ID stolen.

So, now I call him Dav.

Co-worker Complaints

From War and Peas

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet.

But they usually only have 4.

Parenting Technique

From OffTheMark

People get really annoyed when I read over their shoulders on trains which is stupid as I'm not even that loud.

A Child Fell Into A Well

From Cyanide & Happiness

A strangler is just a fiend you haven't met yet.

Quick Response

From Safely Endangered

I hate making spelling mistakes.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

Getting The Perfect Shot

From Bliss

I just failed my abseiling exam.

I let myself down badly there.

Occupational Hazard

From smbc

Once there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

Apple Intern

From Dustinteractive

I've just dropped my mobile phone.

Luckily it was in flight mode so it landed safely.

Best Before

From Speedbump

The best before date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

There should be a spoiler alert.

Number Scrabble

From The Jenkins

Throwing Scrabble tiles around the room is all fun and games until somebody loses an i.