Proud Dad

From Scott Metzger

I managed to build a car entirely out of washing machine parts.

Tomorrow, I'm taking it out for a spin.

Applying Cream

From Faceless

If anyone wants any leaflets about the treatment of haemorrhoids, let me know.

I've got piles!

Dizzy Heights

From smbc

I was at a climbing centre the other day, but would you believe someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.

Honestly, you just couldn't make it up!

Robocat

From Rhymes With Orange

Him: "We should go out for a coffee sometime."

Her: "How about 10 tomorrow?"

Him: "No, that's too many, I'd never get to sleep afterwards."

Party Clothes

From Liniers Cartoon

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said thank you.

I said don't mention it.

Flying High

From Bizarro

How do you turn a goose into a musician?

You boil it until it's Bill Withers.

Ransom Letter

From At Random Comics

Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands a ransom of 1 million dollars. What would you do?

Husband: That's a ridiculous scenario. What are the odds of getting two jackpots in one day!

Language, Graduates

From Speedbump

It's incredible how many French words are integrated in the English language…

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters!

Favourite

From Andertoons

Daughter: Can I keep the night light on?

Dad: And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head sweetie.

It Has Been . . .

From Loose Parts

I saw a sign that said "Watch Batteries Fitted Here".

I gave it ten minutes but it was no fun whatsoever.

The Problem

From JimBenton

I bumped into a beautiful woman this morning and she asked me for my phone number . . .

. . . then my insurance details!

Naked Fridays

From Barely Baked Beans

"Why did you have sex with her?"

"She was lying there naked; what was I supposed to do?"

"The autopsy. You were supposed to perform the autopsy!"

"Don't tell me how to do my job!"

"You are an absolutely terrible vet!"

Flight Mode

From The Argyle Sweater

Top Tip

It's pronounced "scone", not "scone".

A Society Grows Great When Old Men Plant Trees Whose Shade They Know They Shall Never Sit In

From Leigh Rubin

If trees produced Wi-Fi we'd be planting them everywhere.

It's a shame they only produce oxygen and store carbon.

Engine Trouble

From OffTheMark

How come our cars have to be roadworthy when the roads don't have to be car worthy?

Foreign Language

From Chucklebros

What language do the Vatican Police speak?

Pig Latin!

The Hard Life

From AThirdThing

I'm sick of hearing all those 1970s novelty songs that they play at my local holiday camp.

So, this year I'm off to sunny Spain.

Interview Faux Pas

From Bliss

Interviewer: "This says you tend to jump to conclusions"

Me: "So I'm hired?"

LGBT???

From Mark Lynch

Shopping for antiques won't make you gay . . . but it may make you buy curios.

Proportion

From Pardon My Planet

If someone calls you fat just ignore them.

You're bigger than that.

Writing Cheques

From Bob Eckstein

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

What Flavour

From Loading Artist

Be The Best

From The Bent Pinky by Scott Metzger

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

1) Never make resolutions

2) Accept that life contains paradoxes

3) Use the binary number system more often