Shell Shock

From Speedbump

The maternity ward at the hospital . . .

. . . should really be called the emerge-ncy room.

Menu Choice

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Rubes

I’ve just been to a restaurant where they served roast pelican . . .

. . . it was very tasty, but the bill was enormous!

French Breads

From Loose Parts

My friend Jack Hughes went to France, but whenever he introduced himself they kept getting all defensive.

It Snowed

From JimBenton

The local council is gritting the roads like there's snow tomorrow.

Headless Love

From The Argyle Sweater

From Mark Lynch

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

Trap

From Leigh Rubin

Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.

Lift Buttons

From OffTheMark

My wife has just come tumbling down the stairs.

I warned her about wearing that slinky nightdress.

Metamorphosis

From OffTheMark

On her wedding night a bride says to her husband, "I must confess dear, I used to be a hooker".

He says, "That's a bit of a shock, but I must confess, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I used to play for Wigan."

The Road Less Travelled

From Bliss

This morning my wife called to tell me that she saw a fox on the way to work.

I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work.

She hung up on me.

Loving Spiders

From Break of Day

For Valentine's Day my wife said she wanted to be wooed so I booked us two tickets on a ghost train.

Operation

No wonder she fell.

She had too many skis to control.

I used to be against organ transplants but now I've had a change of heart.

Runny Eggs

From Mark Lynch

Starting the day with an early morning run is a great way to ensure that your day can't get any worse than it started.

Street Crime

From Pardon My Planet

Took my son out for his first pint last night.

Got him a Heineken.

He didn't like it so I had it.

Got him a Carlsberg.

He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.

Same with the Cider and Guinness.

By the time we got to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.

Proud Dad

From Scott Metzger

I managed to build a car entirely out of washing machine parts.

Tomorrow, I'm taking it out for a spin.