Caring Doctors

From smbc

Doctor: "You have the same disease as that girl in Airplane."

Me: "Oh my God, what is it?"

Doctor: "It's a film starring Leslie Nielsen, but that's not important right now."

Seefood

From Speedbump

Top Tip:

Birds. Stand closer together at dawn.

That way you won't have to shout so loud and wake me up.

Playdate

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" ...

... is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away ...

A Modest Post

From Leigh Rubin

I surprised my postman by going to the door completely naked this morning.

I don't know which part shocked him the most, my nudity or the fact that I know where he lives.

Healthy Food

From Scott Metzger

I broke up with my gym.

We were just not working out.

Mantis Counselling

From Andertoons

Why won't Dracula bite Mick Jagger?

Cause you can't get blood out of a stone.

Shells and Heads

From The Argyle Sweater

I'm really happy with my vegetable patch.

I haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks.

Getting Ready

From OffTheMark

My wife really knows how to show me a good time.

She points at people and says, "Look, they've having a good time".

Even More Gary Delaney Jokes

I saw four armed police officers at the airport this morning. How ridiculous! Where do they get uniforms that fit?

 

I learned about this great diet from a Saudi Arabian cannibal. It's so easy. You just have a sheikh for breakfast.

 

The area in a Nandos between the front and back door is known as the peri-peri-neum.

 

It's been a good week for me, on Monday I met one of my heroes, Craig David, on Tuesday we went for a drink, so I avoided him on Wednesday.

 

Finally got some good news at Weight Watchers this week. My group hadn't been doing very well, but seemingly now we're getting OBEs! 

 

Barristers' wigs should really be called Judge Dreads.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, 'Sexy Fenders' was not a good name for a guitar shop.

 

My biggest weakness? Well, I've always been a bit of a perfectioner.

 

English lesson's - Half price!

 

....and now the results for the Musketeers' football league:

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

and 4-4.  

 

I used to be into ham radio, but all I could heard was crackling.

 

Private browsing is mostly used for browsing privates.

Appropriate Driving

From JimBenton

While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby.

I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."

Types Of Ghost

From Wrong Hands

At a lecture on the paranormal the presenter asked, "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many of you have spoken to a ghost.?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Lewis right at the back.

The speaker says to Lewis, "I have been doing this for 40 years and you are the first that has claimed to have had sex with a ghost. Why don't you come forward and tell us about it?"

Lewis shuffles forward looking a bit sheepish and says, "Sorry I couldn't hear you from the back, I thought you said goats."

End Of The Sentence

From Cyanide & Happiness

Cumin, coriander, cardamom, and turmeric – spices needed to make an Oxford Korma.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream

From BerkeleyMews

My wife screamed, "You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I was taken aback: what a weird way to start a conversation.

Unfaithful

From Reality Check

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse...   "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess." I replied.

Shopping On The Plains

From Farcus

A husband in the shower calls to his wife, "I can't find the shampoo, where is it?"

His wife replies, "It's next to the conditioner on the shelf."

The husband shouts back, "That one's no good, it says on the bottle that it's for dry hair, and I've got mine wet."

Shopping List

FromThe Jenkins

I started crying when Dad was chopping Onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

How To Be . . .

From Loose Parts

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was.

She said she couldn't tell me as that would defeat the purpose.

Shock Treatment

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

Hair Raising Information

From Liniers Cartoon

They say that sex is the best form of exercise there is.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but how is two minutes and fifteen seconds every six months going to shift this beer belly?

Old Legend

From StrangeTrek

What's the difference between Rapunzel and politicians?

Rapunzel let's her hair down, politicians let everyone else down.

When Dogs Get Carried Away

From Bliss

I just asked the lady in the newsagents for a Double Decker.

She disappeared for ages.

Then she brought me three.

Death's Birthday

From Buni Comic

My Kind Of Photography

From Bird and Moon

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Backlog

From Mark Lynch

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.