Time Machine

From Scribbly G

The inventor of the snooze button has died.

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6.00, 6.09, 6.18, 6.27 and 6.36.

Genesis of Clothing

From Raging Pencils

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes

Don't get me wrong, I like short women, but three green eyes?

No wonder she can't find a fella.

Management

From Dilbert

I was in a taxi today chatting to the driver.

He said "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do".

I said "Turn left here, mate!"

How Trains Are Made

From Skeleton Claw

"How do you fancy having the best sex you ever dreamed of darling?" I asked the drop dead gorgeous young lady in the pub last night.

She looked at me with utter disdain and said "No I bloody well don't fancy that at all!"

I said "Well, I'm your man then!"

Exhausted

From War and Peas

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive.

I hope it's not terminal.

Just Google It

If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.

Stop, Drop, And Roll

From Rustled Jimmies

The world's biggest Barbara Streisand fan died today in a fire.

Police say she was so badly burned that she could only be identified by her Yentl records.