Catastrophe

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

Why do you never notice pilots when you're in town?

Because they're usually in d'skies.

High Achiever

From OffTheMark

Wife: "Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world"

Me: "Well it got me to the International Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2005"

Wife: "Really?"

Me: "No"

Appealing To The Young

From Dave Granlund

When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I'm no longer young.

Quick Snack

From Buni Comic

If interfering was an Olympic sport, my missus would have a meddle in it.

Ex Wife

From Faceless

My wife left me for another man.

All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.

And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

Fight Fire With . . .

From smbc

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Beware

From BerkeleyMews

I once took a slightly damaged stuffed dog on the Antiques Roadshow.

The expert said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

I said, "I dunno, sticks I suppose?"