You're Gonna Walk

From JimBenton

I could never own a dog.

I gag enough when I have to pick up my own pooh in the park.

Context Matters

From Little Porpoise

My wife woke up this morning and said, "I had a dream last night that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

I said, "You'll find out later".

So, when I came home later, I handed her a package.

Inside the package was a book called "Your Dreams and What They Mean".

Hardship

From Moderately Confused

My wife phoned me bawling her eyes out earlier.

She sobbed "I've got something to tell you".

I said "What's wrong? Why are you so upset?"

She said "I've flooded the kitchen".

I said "Wow, how long have you been crying?"

Self-Driving Car

From Dilbert

I've just been out panic buying and bought 32 Smiths albums.

Pet Cemetery

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

This Be The Curse

 

They muck you up, these stuck-up cats.

You may not think so but it's true.

They come and sit upon your lap

When there are other things to do.

 

You wait upon them, hand and foot,

And in return get fleas and lice,

Their hairs collect upon your suit,

They bring you chewed-up heads of mice.

 

Cats hand on misery to man.

It gathers in the litter tray.

So get up quickly while you can

Before the cat climbs back to stay.

Beware How You Talk To Idiots (or Children)

My mum said, "Honey, please go to the market and buy a bottle of milk.  If they have eggs, get 6".

I came back with 6 bottles of milk.

She said, "Why on earth did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"

I said, "because they had eggs".

So Much Food

From James Breakwell

Customer: I'll have the mouse please.

Waiter: That's mousse sir.

Customer: Never mind then, that'll be far too much food.