Who's Not A Good Boy?

From OffTheMark

I went to see my new solicitor today and asked him what his fee was.

He said "I charge £100 for three questions".

I said "That's awfully steep, isn't it?"

"Yes" he said "Now what's your final question?"

Trailblazer

Don't worry about your tv and your phone spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Encouragement

From Speedbump

My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Frankcestry

From OffTheMark

From The Argyle Sweater

My father was a masochist who liked to have an ice cold shower every morning.

So he didn't.

Everyday Is A Winding Road

From Reality Check

I went to HMV earlier and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records.

He said "Walk this way".

Weaning

From Rhymes With Orange

I don't eat croissants because I've got eczema and I never quite know when I've finished.

Chef's Salad

From CAW4HY

Everyone scoffed when I said I'd be a cook.

They're not scoffing now.