Freedom

From Andertoons

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was.

I said, "the muppet from Sesame Street".

They told me, "He doesn't count".

I replied, "I assure you, he does".

Medicine Instructions

My doctor: "You have a disease that causes memory loss"

Me: "Is it contagious?"

My doctor: "Is what contagious?"

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

My neighbours keep complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings . . .

. . . if only they knew it's just me putting my socks on!

Forgotten Opinion

From Wumo

I hate people who force their opinions on others.

And so should you!

At-Tie-Re

From Strange Brew    

My favourite thing about the Euromillions is that the odds of you winning the jackpot barely change if you forget to buy a ticket.

Otherwise Engaged

From GoatToSelf

Oh, the grand old Duke of York

He had twelve million quid

He gave it to an American girl

For something he never did.

Long Wait?

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.