New Experience

From GobSmackedComic

I'm celibate by choice.

Not my choice; everybody else's.

Totem Pole Artist

From Joseph Nowak

I bought some of those flavoured condoms the other day.

I said to my wife, "Let's play a game. I'll put one on and you have to try and guess what flavour it is."

So, she went underneath the duvet and after a moment or two she said, "Cheese and onion?"

I said, "For goodness sake, woman, give me a chance to get the damn thing on."

Subspecies

From Break of Day

A woolly mammoth walks down the street.

All of a sudden, a dozen elephants turn the corner, see the mammoth, run up to it and give it a good kicking.

After they've gone the mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: "I hate skinheads!"

Us and Them

From Wrong Hands

I bet Rick Astley really struggles with Lent.

One Of Nine

From Andertoons

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...

I can't wait for Santa to come now!

OT Outfit

From Bliss

I came home early from work last night to find my wife spread out naked on our bed breathlessly awaiting my sexual advances.

Bless her, she was so horny for me she never even realised my mate Arthur was under the bed looking for a DVD he'd lent me.

Drumming Up Trade

From OffTheMark

I've been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can't see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me and says, "How about now, is that any better?"