Wednesday, 31 August 2022

Perfect Tomato

From Loading Artist

Bob the tomato and Larry the cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," Bob says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me just get it for you."

"This is going to be great, Bob!" gushes Larry.

The bartender serves drinks to the two of them, and sure enough, they both turn human!

"Look at me, Bob!" exclaims Larry the ex-cucumber. "I'm human!"

"That's very nice, Larry," says Bob the ex-tomato, "but do be careful!"

Larry happily prances out the door. He is so excited about being human, he forgets to look both ways before crossing the street, and he is hit by a car and lying in the gutter he turns back into a cucumber.

Bob sees it happening and rushes outside to try to save his friend, but he too forgets to look both ways, is hit by a car, and ends up lying next to Larry as he turns back into a tomato.

The bartender rushes outside and calls an ambulance.

"Are they still alive?" asks the dispatcher.

"They are," says the bartender, "but I'm worried that they will be vegetables for the rest of their lives."

Tuesday, 30 August 2022

Early Edition

From Rhymes With Orange

For Christmas last year I got given Sudoku toilet paper.

It's useless, you can only fill it in with number ones and number twos.

Monday, 29 August 2022

Friday, 26 August 2022

Final Selfie

From Bound and Gagged

My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me.

The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

Thursday, 25 August 2022

Still Full

From Speedbump

Teach a man to fish and he'll be like, "cool, thanks".

Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like, "You're doing it wrong".

Tuesday, 23 August 2022

Nick Of Time

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

I asked the waiter if fish was one of the specials.

He said "Of course not, he was the lead singer of Marillion".