New Year Countdown

"The cat scratched my groin when he saw that woman from Strictly."

"Claudia Winkleman?"

"No man, but it was close."

Why There Is No Proof Of Aliens Even Though Everyone Carries Around A Camera On Their Phone

From Looks Good On Paper

Why don't aliens spend their holidays on Earth?

Because our solar system only has one star.

Computer Mouse

From Life On Earth

Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.

Evail Kniesnail

From Speedbump

I removed the shell from my racing snail.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it's become even more sluggish.

Artificial Incompetence

From smbc

How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware?

It starts to think its bot is too big.

Regifting

From Portsherry

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about myself.

As many of you will know, I used to be a harpist.

I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after one of our concerts I met this amazing woman.

I grew to absolutely adore this girl, and would do anything for her.

But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

 

My harp was immaculate, 17th century, with ornate carvings, and it was my pride and joy,

It was worth a great deal of money; a lot more than most people would believe.

But my girl knew, because I would play her to sleep with it every night.

She also loved the harp, and to show her how much I loved her, I decided to give it to her as a Christmas present last year.

 

Unfortunately, our relationship was not to last.

On boxing day, the day after I gifted to her something so important to me, I found out she didn't really love me and she sold it in an online auction.

I was devastated, and had to end it with her.............

 

'Last Christmas I gave her my harp, but the very next day, it was sold on eBay'

Seasons' Greetings

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

My kids told me that they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Usually I do a turkey, but hey, if it will make them happy.