I came home and the wife said, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
I said, "You've had your hair done,"
"No", she replied.
I said, "A new dress?"
"No", she replied.
"You've done your makeup then."
"No", she replied.
I said, "I give up."
She said, "I'm wearing a gas mask!"
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
I saw a sign in a restaurant.
"Chicken Dinner: £1.50"
I went in and ordered one.
The waiter brought me a plate of bird seed.
Dear Marje
Q. My child had decided not to eat meat. What can I replace it with?
A. A dog. Dogs love meat.
Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.
"Because I pissed in its ear & it didn't move" says Billy.
"You did what!?" screams the teacher.
"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move."
The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why."
I would have liked to make that diabetes joke less harsh.
But it didn't seem appropriate to sugarcoat it.
