Single Blind

From Pardon My Planet

Doctor: "Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic."

Me: "But my name isn't David?"

Doctor: "I know. I'm David!"

The Nicholas Cage Years

John Travolta and Nicolas Cage walk into a bar...

The barman says, "Why the wrong face?"

Tough Day For The Dung Beetle

From Andertoons

Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations?

They can cube the number 2.

He Could Have Ordered String

From OffTheMark

I ordered a mail-order bride.

Unfortunately, I was out when she was delivered.

So, now she's married to my neighbour.

Bad Neighbours

From Loose Parts

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

Assteroid

From Looks Good On Paper

A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

Smart Toaster

From Mark Lynch

I bought myself a new smart TV.

Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother.

It will only let me watch The Open University and Brian Cox documentaries.