Need A Ride?

From Benvinodi

A kid walks from his bedroom in a Tortoise costume.

Mother: Why are you wearing that costume?

Kid: I'm going to that costume party.

Mother: Isn't that next week?

Kid: Yeah, but I'm a Tortoise.

Yellow Paint

From Skeleton Claw

So, the painters finished painting my home and they handed me the bill.

I notice that by the paint it says £0.00.

I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?"

The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

I.D. Parade

From Jeff Hobbs

If you identify a UFO then it becomes an FO.

Unless it has landed: then it is simply an O.

Bowl Fight

From The Argyle Sweater

I remember when I knocked out the school bully.

I thought I'd be an instant hero.

But apparently it was "appalling behaviour" for a parent.

Wakey Wakey

From Dogs on the 4th

I'm old school.

I wake up with my eyebrows already on my face.

Doctor Joke

From smbc

Doctor: "You're completely blind"

Me: "What are you saying?"

Doctor: "April Fools lol you're actually deaf"

Me: "What?"

Doctor: "Oh right"

Resurrection

From At Random Comics

8pm - I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or football?

11pm - I text my girlfriend: You of course.